When going to the bathroom, lock it and when trying to unlock and don't succeed immediately... ITS A TRAP! I'M LOCKED IN MY OWN BATHROOM!!

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I keep thinking a thing is about to fall from the table even though it's not close to the edge

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because fuck the NSA.

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I read the down voted posts

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Call out the mistakes I see drivers make in front of me.

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When eating chips I always look at each side before eating it to choose which side will taste better

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sometimes i poop in my pants and like the smell of my poop. Smells like whatever i just ate.

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Pubic hair wishes... While on the toilet you try to pull out a hair... If it comes out close your eyes and make a wish....and throw it into the toilet... Flush... Repeat!

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Vote up your own websites posts, to make them look more popular!

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Pee in the shower

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I can't piss with my shoes on.

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I type a comment here and secretly feel special

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Moving my bottom jaw around slightly makes me feel like I have dog-like ears and I'm moving them around.

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only read the short jokes on this website

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I kick my shoes off, sending them flying to various parts of the room. I then pick them up and place them neatly beside each other

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HEY! YOU! Yeah you! I can speak you only, NO! Nobody else here! Yeah you only you, by the way you are a dirty piece of s**t you mothe* F**ker! YEAH ITS YOU! I HATE YOU! EVERYBODY HATES YOU YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! *end of special message just for you*

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In elementary school whenever it was supposed to be mental math I never did it mentally.

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Thinking something embarrassing, then having to talk to someone and suddenly getting worried you are about to blurt out your thoughts

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Stand really close to the mirror and look myself in the eyes. Try to scare myself or make a really fast movement, hoping my reflection can't keep up.

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When I'm riding in the car, I'll spot a tree, make it my goal and try to beat the car on the opposite side of the road to it. (Seriously I don't think anyone else does this!)

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When I drive I sing really loud and then when a car come up next to me I pretend I wasn't singing

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Instead of having a nasty breaking up, I just disappear.

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Say "what?" when you know what they said, then answer before they can respond. I do it because it takes me a second to figure out what they said and so my immediate response it "what?".

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Laugh harder when trying to explain what you are laughing about

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.