I used to think that if the earth was completely smoothed flat and you had a really powerful telescope if you looked through it you would see yourself looking through the telescope.

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After peeling an apple, I will put the apple in a zip-lock and hold it through the plastic so my hands won't get sticky while I eat it.

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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I sniff my finger after I scatch my bunghole lol

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When looking at a digital clock that counts down to seconds, I wait until the seconds are an even number, then I try to say each number in order twice before it changes.

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After going to the bathroom, flush the toilet than hurry out of the bathroom and walk fast past a certain line going across the floor or make an imaginary line on the floor before the toilet fully flushes.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Constantly refresh your email page even though you know nothing will appear.

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1. When you're downstairs at night you go upstairs as fast as fucking possible. 2. When you switch volume in TV, the second number has to be 0 or 5.

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Have a dream about somebody being mean to me. Proceed to be mean to them in real life.

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Listening to music walking through town and feeling like you're in a music video

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Hate when I can't sleep and the sun starts to come up and I hear birds chirping and i get worried and just realize that I should be happy that it's a new day and to relax.

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Fart at work when I'm pretty sure no one will come to that area soon.

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I feel strange when I look at someone and think ''This person has had sex''

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when i wake up from a dream and it was an amazing dream. then i try to fall back asleep to have it again...it doesn't work

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Picking my nose.

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When someone starts waving and saying hi then I start waving and saying hi even though I have no idea who it is only to realize they are actually waving at someone behind me.

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After watching a video of someone doing something tiring, I always feel tired in whichever body part they were using in the video

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Leave the television on in my room when I go to bed, so I have some light and I can't hear all the creepy sounds that houses make.

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Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

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When telemarketers call I speak Afrikaans to them until they hang up

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Every time I miss a gree light by just a couple seconds, I think to myself, "Maybe if I had made that light an out of control semi would be slamming into my car right at this moment." Thank you red light.

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I have never watched Star Wars.

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When i wake up from a good dream, i close my eyes and imagine the ending in different ways.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.