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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

as soon as i put some mint gum in my mouth, i sneeze countless times.

Every time i get a new video game i read the back of the case and the pamphlet the whole ride home

sitting in the passenger seat of the car, move my head around gently to guide a piece of dirt on the window in the foreground around the obstacle course of trees, streetlights etc in the background. Also, imagine my eyes are projecting lasers which cut through anything and carve the passing world up to my design.

when i piss in the toilet, i flush half way through and race the toilet to the finish.

look at old toys from when you were a kid and remember how they taste.

I make all the faces on my money face the same way.

When telemarketers call I speak Afrikaans to them until they hang up

Sometimes there is a hair in my butt and then I pull it slowly out. And it feels funny.

While spending the night drinking with my spouse at home, i put a diaper on so i don't have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I also change it for a fresh one when i go to bed.

Sometimes, I skim through the Terms of Service just to make sure I'm not selling my soul or promising my first-born.

Sleep with one leg on top of the covers and the rest of your body under them.

im going to kill that person and get away with it

Go to bed with my left nostril clogged, wake up with my right nostril clogged.

suck my own penis

Whenever people dare accuse me of being too full off myself I tell them. Moral: I cant get to full of myself, the more me, the less you, ALL THE BETTER FOR EVERYONE! WE ARE VICTORY! (except you)

When I am surfing the web and i go to another website i see an ad that was about something i just viewed from previous website I wonder if a little man is inside my pc keeping catalog of every website that i visit.

I rub the ends of my hair because it feels awesome.

When I need to poop in a public toilet, I poop to the side so there's no plop.

When light goes off and cant see digital clock numbers when you are trying to sleep/wake up, i scream and get terrified because i think i got blind

If someone uses a term thats like, in the know, and they ask if i know what it means, ill act like, of course ido, even if i dont, and then ill go home and look it up.

trip over nothing. break into spontaneous dancing.

i leave tv on when i sleep...cant close it cause i hate to hear....noices...in my bedroom that cant identify......

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.