Wonder what I would have said to my dad if I knew he was going to die

when you hear "tartar sauce" you think that it's actually made from tartar -MATT

When sitting on the pot I whip and then I feel like I have to crap again.

Try to pee on the toilet-paper in the toilet so it rips in half

Get bored of regular porn and watch some bestiality just for the variation.

People looking at me when listening to my Ipod. "Can they hear my music?" *turn volume down*

I wet toilet paper before I use it to wipe.

When someome asks you a question and you can't hear them so you say, "what?", then they say it again and you miss it so you just nod your head and say "yeah".

Try to balance the light switch between on and off.

smell your socks cause you like the smell of your own sweat

Have a fantasy where Jesus Christ is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart while Garth Brooks gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum.

Whenever I am in a conversation with someone, be it a family member, close friend, or stranger, I nearly always imagine either starting a random brawl with them for no reason (i.e. punching them in the face) or making out with them or something, neither of which I would ever consider doing. Am I alone?

I always save a bite of my favorite food for last so that is the taste I have in my mouth when the meal is over.

pee in my pants on purpose for the fun of it

pull the poo out of my butt when im too impatient to push it out

I say a word and it feels like it didnt roll off of my tongue right, so I keep mouthing the word and saying it quietly to myself or in my head. Then end up saying it loudly in affirmation, possibly more than once.

Made after doomsday plans

Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

When on a long car ride, i tend to look out the window and imagine that i am running on the side of the car and doing flips and other types of parkour to keep up with my car...

Reading the things people post on here and realising your not as weird as you thought.

Popping your finger in your bellybutton, and then smelling it. You secretly like the cheesy smell.

When leaving your basement, become increasingly conscious of how you are scared of something getting you. SPRINT UP STAIRS.

When walking on the sidewalk, try to walk the same number of steps on each square without looking awkward. (now, this is sooo weird, I have no clue if ANYBODY has ever done this more than once)

While spending the night drinking with my spouse at home, i put a diaper on so i don't have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I also change it for a fresh one when i go to bed.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.