Wonder what I would have said to my dad if I knew he was going to die

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when you hear "tartar sauce" you think that it's actually made from tartar -MATT

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When sitting on the pot I whip and then I feel like I have to crap again.

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Try to pee on the toilet-paper in the toilet so it rips in half

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Get bored of regular porn and watch some bestiality just for the variation.

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People looking at me when listening to my Ipod. "Can they hear my music?" *turn volume down*

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I wet toilet paper before I use it to wipe.

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When someome asks you a question and you can't hear them so you say, "what?", then they say it again and you miss it so you just nod your head and say "yeah".

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Try to balance the light switch between on and off.

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smell your socks cause you like the smell of your own sweat

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Have a fantasy where Jesus Christ is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart while Garth Brooks gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum.

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Whenever I am in a conversation with someone, be it a family member, close friend, or stranger, I nearly always imagine either starting a random brawl with them for no reason (i.e. punching them in the face) or making out with them or something, neither of which I would ever consider doing. Am I alone?

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I always save a bite of my favorite food for last so that is the taste I have in my mouth when the meal is over.

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pee in my pants on purpose for the fun of it

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pull the poo out of my butt when im too impatient to push it out

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I say a word and it feels like it didnt roll off of my tongue right, so I keep mouthing the word and saying it quietly to myself or in my head. Then end up saying it loudly in affirmation, possibly more than once.

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Made after doomsday plans

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Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

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When on a long car ride, i tend to look out the window and imagine that i am running on the side of the car and doing flips and other types of parkour to keep up with my car...

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Reading the things people post on here and realising your not as weird as you thought.

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Popping your finger in your bellybutton, and then smelling it. You secretly like the cheesy smell.

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When leaving your basement, become increasingly conscious of how you are scared of something getting you. SPRINT UP STAIRS.

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When walking on the sidewalk, try to walk the same number of steps on each square without looking awkward. (now, this is sooo weird, I have no clue if ANYBODY has ever done this more than once)

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While spending the night drinking with my spouse at home, i put a diaper on so i don't have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I also change it for a fresh one when i go to bed.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.