When home alone, I put cans in front of the door so if someone breaks in, I wake up.

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When you say something you think is funny but it turns out that it's only funny in your head so once you say it there's this moment of awkwardness and everyone else probably just forgets about it but it haunts you for the rest of your life. ~

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Thinking your life is a movie...

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Hate when I can't sleep and the sun starts to come up and I hear birds chirping and i get worried and just realize that I should be happy that it's a new day and to relax.

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Whenever I see a girl, I always do the math for how good they would be for banging

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My brother (who is 2 years younger) and I have our own language, consisting of movie quotes and silly stuff we made up when we were little. We speak it with abandon when we're alone, and try as hard as we can to suppress it when we're with a friend. But sometimes some of it slips out, and the friend looks at us like he's the guy who isn't in on the joke; I always get the feeling he or she thinks the two of us are crazy. By the way, if you're the third person in company with two close siblings who are speaking their own secret language, don't ask them to explain or look at them like they're crazy. They're not nuts, and you won't understand, even if they try to explain. Just let it pass.

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Sometimes when my mom is aking me something and then i tell her the truth i start smirking automatically as if i'd be lying because i don't know how to make a serious face

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My login password is INCORRECT so if I forget it my computer will say "your password is incorrect"

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When I'm home alone, turning the TV on so it's not so quiet

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I try to sympathize when some celebrity butthole has problems but, I can't.

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I sometimes start thinking about very non sexual things in the middle of masturbation, like what I'm going to wear the next day.

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Pee sitting down so I dont have to aim

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Sometimes I wonder if my life is a dream and oneday I'll wake up as a newborn baby

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Spend a ton of time on the way you look and the clothes you choose, then going out in public and imagining you're a celeb.

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fap

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At home stay on the toilet a few minutes after you finish your business

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When in class, hoping that I do not get boner right before bell rings/called up.

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Stab myself on a daily basis

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Wishing you were living in that time when men were still gentlemen. Holds doors, brings flowers, chooses you over job.

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Love the Twilight books, HATE the movies.

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Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

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I sometimes try to summon things with the force of my thoughts...I would be so useful...but no way, nothing ever moves.

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when baking cookies I eat waaayyy too much of the dough, to the point that I don't even want any of the cookies when I am finished baking them.

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When I see something on facebook i dont like, I like it just so i can unlike it.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.