Have a dream that you can breath under water and wake up and be very disappointed

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When i want to write a joke on anti jokes.com i laugh at my friends instead!

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never feel sad enough after being told a sad story

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i just sit there thinking, how is it not butter?

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log off the internet then think of something and go back on

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My brother (who is 2 years younger) and I have our own language, consisting of movie quotes and silly stuff we made up when we were little. We speak it with abandon when we're alone, and try as hard as we can to suppress it when we're with a friend. But sometimes some of it slips out, and the friend looks at us like he's the guy who isn't in on the joke; I always get the feeling he or she thinks the two of us are crazy. By the way, if you're the third person in company with two close siblings who are speaking their own secret language, don't ask them to explain or look at them like they're crazy. They're not nuts, and you won't understand, even if they try to explain. Just let it pass.

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When you Sitting on the couch and say "I am hungry" but then don't do anything because you are too lazy.

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outside in the dark see a face in the tree thinks its bigfoot come to get me!

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I take pains to be Anti-Democrat and Anti-Republican. Because both parties are really gross money & career machines beholden to industry. I really am middle-of-the-road on lots of issues. even though I don't understand what the fuck makes an intelligent conservative tick. but I may just be biased because it's all neo-cons on the news. idk.

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look around my house for something to do for what feels like an hour then look back at a clock to realize thats its only been 4 minutes

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Sometimes I kiss my hand and pretend it's a person I like.

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go on a diet, buy a lot of healthy food, eat it all the same day. 2 weeks later repeat.

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Use an entirely different vocabulary in your head than everyday life.

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Takes playful flirting way to seriouse.

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I always have to google the name of this website, because I always put the words in the wrong consecution.

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Wondering who would cry at your funeral

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put an excessive amount of lead in your pencil

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See a ridiculously hot girl and wonder to myself "who is the guy who gets to have sex with her. And why does she like him?" As if that can help me bag an equally hotter girl.

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Try to pee on the toilet-paper in the toilet so it rips in half

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when bored, i imagine my EXACT plan for the zombie apocalypse, down to what would look cool if i was walking down a desolate street ( i am legend style) :D

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I sometimes wonder if im a baby and my whole life is just a big dream

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Fart at home

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Not expecting anyone to come over, some one knocks on the front door, mute the TV and hope they just go away.

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DAS RITE MODERFOCKER! NOWUN MESSIS WIF FIRLUPE!!' (throws wine in face)

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.