How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

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When two people in my house are arguing, I stay in my room to avoid awkwardly interrupting them and being dragged into it.

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When I drink out of a disposable coffee cup with a lid, the opening on the lid has be on the exact opposite side from the seam where the cup is glued to form the cylinder.

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Scratching with the wife's/girlfriends hair brush.

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <<

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I don't know why but I really wish I can ride a bike or drive a car through a shopping mall.

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It takes me a whole afternoon to write an important/professional email cause i keep thinking about what I should and should not write and it gets so stupidly difficult I take one hour breaks between every sentence.

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I wonder if elections are rigged?

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When I am driving and I see another car being pulled over I think "Oh, so I am not the only one"

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like it when you fart because it scratches your butt when its itchy

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Sometimes when I fart while sitting down, I lift one leg up.

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I put the volume on my television so it is on any number divisible by five (5-10-15 etc. etc.)

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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When I'm on a site that requires you to login with Facebook or Twitter to leave a comment, I click on the names of the nice looking ones to go see their pages to add them to my friends list.

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I make sims of everyone I know and make them have kids together.

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turn off the tv by accident and then turn it on only to find that it takes forever to work again

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walking up steps in the dark and you think you've gotten to the top but there's actually one more step and you panic because you think your going to fall

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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Looking at something suggestive on your computer and worrying that someone else in your family can see what you're doing on their computer.

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Sneeze for a few minutes when I've eaten too much.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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I get really annoyed by the constant audience laughter in some tv shows even when nothing funny is said

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I have tried jumping in an airplane to see if I fall in the same spot

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.