only read the short jokes on this website

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(1) In the middle of a conversation, I start to think of all the crazy stuff I could do even though I would never want to i.e. punching them in the face, making out with them, flashing them.

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While talking on the phone you can't think of anything to say then it gets awkwardly quiet

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I sometimes chew on the inside of my cheek

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Turn the door knob while closing the door ...so it doesn't make a loud noise.

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I'm a man. When I'm watching a movie with my wife and it has a sad ending. I allways have to cry but moments before the actual end has come I allready start to snif my nose so that she thinks I have a cold and do not have to cry about the ending of the movie.

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing

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Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

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Being fat

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when you wake up in the morning to a text and you read it with one eye open

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Sitting down in the shower

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Make calculations with house number. Eg: House nº 112 means house nº 4

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When I watch porn, I only watch like the first 5-10 minutes of it. To be honest I wonder why people bother making them longer too.

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Having to poop in a certain way to avoid your ass sucking it in again. If it all comes out in one go, the cleaning becomes a lot easier and more satisfying.

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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I get mad at women because they menstruate and that's gross. I don't judge one woman individually for it, but I'm disgusted with the whole gender, which leads to being almost disgusted with myself for being attracted to them.

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Walk down the street, listening to a song, singing it softly, then thinking 'I might wanna stop doing that before I look awkward', but the wires get crossed and you start singing LOUDER and so on.

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Put my hands together the 'other' way

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The older I get the more honest I get

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Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

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When I get "interactive" commercials on my laptop screen, I like to "just shoot 4 out of 5 ducks" and feel like I have cheated the system.

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Lightly touching your stomach or other body parts with your fingers to get that tickling sensation.

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While at the movies, grab and eat your popcorn with your tongue and pretend you are a lizard.

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At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a harding and make people think it's that big all the time.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.