When my girlfriend ask me what I am thinking about, I tell her I am thinking of all the great things about my last girlfriend.

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When I can't find my phone so I panic and shearch everywhere only to find out it was in my pocket.

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Refreshing captcha codes for five minutes straight until you find reasonably legible letters.

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When i talk i say i like how or i hate that.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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Whenever you make cereal, you eat exactly where you make it like on the table.

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I'm ridiculously turned on by the scent nail polish.

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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Feel like something is behind you/watching you, run to your room super quickly and get into the room before that something gets you

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Fall down the stairs, bounce on your ass to the bottom, feel scared, then want to DO IT AGAIN! Get pwned at a game, rage, look at your cat sitting beside you, looking back, and say "What?"

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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I have walked into a sliding glass door

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I lift my butt when I'm farting

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Start walking down a busy street or mall, and realise I've gone the wrong way. Suddenly stop and pretend to read something on my phone for a few seconds before turning round and walking the right way.

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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When I used to go on car rides at night I would look up at the moon and I would think it was following us.

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I like to turn the lights off in the bathroom, actually block every little bit of light I possibly can, then take a nice warm shower, curl up on the floor, block my ears and enjoy the warm water and sensory deprivation.

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i get an headache when i each cheese. but i don't get one when i have pizza or cheese and onion crisps

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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put your hands in your bra or pants to keep them warm when you're not in public.

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Avoid eating at parties to look as though you're not hungry

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Pretending you're a badass character from an anime or movie when listening to rock music (or something similar)

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When a tooth is very loose,i shake it with my tongue because that pain is relaxing.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.