strawberry flavored hemorrhoid cream

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That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

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Open my mouth while doing my mascara... it's impossible not to!!!

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When you Saigon the couch and say "I am hungry" but then don't do anything because you are too lazy.

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Whenever I hear a baby or a young child scream very loud, I imagine that their head will explode.

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Refreshing captcha codes for five minutes straight until you find reasonably legible letters.

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Feels my beard with my tongue.

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I asked telemarketers for their home number so I can call them at home and disturb THEM while they're relaxing with THEIR family

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When i talk i say i like how or i hate that.

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I love the We'll Be Right Back jingle on the Eric Andre show.

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Whenever you make cereal, you eat exactly where you make it like on the table.

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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Fall down the stairs, bounce on your ass to the bottom, feel scared, then want to DO IT AGAIN! Get pwned at a game, rage, look at your cat sitting beside you, looking back, and say "What?"

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Thinking about life as if its just a dream and wondeing if one day your just going to wake up and be like " wtf just happend".....

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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Sometimes I wonder why I smell even though I remember putting DO on. I become embarrassed because there is a girl next to me. I hope she cannot smell it. Finally I realize its not me. It's her.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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Whenever I think of something creative or weird, I always wonder if someone thought of the same thing.

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Love to check my astrological compatibility with my favorite musicians.

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When a tooth is very loose,i shake it with my tongue because that pain is relaxing.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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You pretend to fight imaginary people while no ones looking:/ But you look like the star wars kid...

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Sing every word to Bohemian Rhapsody every time you hear it in the most dramatic way possible.

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Sitting down on the toitlet to pee (being a male). It's so comfortable when you're tired. Also: Wonder if there's a female version of this, where girls stand up to take a piss. Just curiosity.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.