When i talk i say i like how or i hate that.

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having cool friends, but all their other friends are nerds.

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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My daily agenda: wake up take a crap get out of bed...

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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Everytime aplane is flying low you think it's going to crash right in front of your eyes

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i get an headache when i each cheese. but i don't get one when i have pizza or cheese and onion crisps

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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When a tooth is very loose,i shake it with my tongue because that pain is relaxing.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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I like to go out without shoes on hot days and play the floor is lava

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You pretend to fight imaginary people while no ones looking:/ But you look like the star wars kid...

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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Stab myself on a daily basis

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Think something you shouldn't about someone, stop thinking about it in case they read your mind, and then, as an added precaution, think "I know you listening".

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Feeling stupid when you're watching a funny movie and you laugh by yourself. So you look around and stop laughing.

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Think that some minutes feel shorter than others

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That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

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Chewing your chips softer so you can hear the tv

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When I Download A Song Or Movie And The Download Speed Slows Down I Think The FBI Is Tracking Me.

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When I use the bathroom at school, I keep the door open with the kickstand and use the stall. It's because I fear that one day, when I'm all alone in the bathroom with the door closed, the fire alarm will go off and scare the living crap out of me. This trick backfires when someone comes in without closing the door and uses the urinal.

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Eat a biscuit realise how nice it is and eat the whole packet

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When buying anything - a book, pint of milk, food, pen - will go to put down the first one you picked up to find a newer one.... Then feel really bad for the other one you put down and go back to that one so it doesn't feel hurt.

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When I was a kid and I misbehaved when my dad used to smack me I would put emphasis in my cries to let him think that I got the lesson.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.