When walking around a slightly empty store, I walk around and pretend I'm a spy, trying not to be seen.

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When playing a game you refer to the kid you don't know as "kid" - ar2

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think about how different my life would be I if I didn't get married

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I have a feeling that life is a Video Game for another Universe. When the player looks at their computer screen, they see what I see. They control everything I do. Like The Sims games. Everyone else is either other players in a multiplayer server, or they are are all fake, computer players.

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Help my dogs eat their dinner....I think the whole time, "If they only had thumbs".....

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I asked telemarketers for their home number so I can call them at home and disturb THEM while they're relaxing with THEIR family

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I drive in the car then suddenly awake from a day dream and realize ive driven for the last 4 miles with no recollection of the journey.

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Whenever I watch TV, the volume has to be on multiples of 5. Even if the perfect volume is in between.

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i wonder why someone decided to spell words unusually for example why couldn't because be spelt becuz the way it sounds?!

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When I'm home alone at night I check around the corners to make sure there isn't anyone there

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Find that the kettle has recently been used and still contains hot water so decide to have a cup of tea just so that boiling that water wasn't a waste. Think that it might have cooled down by now. Reboil the water.

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not eating the ends of a hotdog.

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If my SOLVE media is too long I refresh it to give me a shorter one

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You think someone is reading your mind and hurriedly change what your thinking to something normal

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pull out a flies wings and let it go

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Pretending there is a man running beside you during a long car journey and jumping over obstacles

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wait til the last second to stop the microwave before it dings

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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while you put your t-shirt on, you get frightened that someone's watching you behind your shirt so you try to put it on as soon as possible.

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Play call of duty then go around shooting everyone in your mind for the rest of the day

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Sometimes when I'm bored I start shouting things in German.

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Pretending you're a badass character from an anime or movie when listening to rock music (or something similar)

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.