When I used to go on car rides at night I would look up at the moon and I would think it was following us.

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i get an headache when i each cheese. but i don't get one when i have pizza or cheese and onion crisps

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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I hate it when people assume I'm smart just because I don't speak much and I wear glasses.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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Turn volume down on iPod or tv, then turn up one bar to make it seem like it's still loud.

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put your hands in your bra or pants to keep them warm when you're not in public.

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When a tooth is very loose,i shake it with my tongue because that pain is relaxing.

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realize that no one is listening to me talk so I say something completely random to try and get there attention

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I put a cigarette lighter in a fireplace, anyone else?

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strawberry flavored hemorrhoid cream

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Think something you shouldn't about someone, stop thinking about it in case they read your mind, and then, as an added precaution, think "I know you listening".

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That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

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When you Saigon the couch and say "I am hungry" but then don't do anything because you are too lazy.

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Refreshing captcha codes for five minutes straight until you find reasonably legible letters.

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Feels my beard with my tongue.

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taking your t shirt or sweatshirt off quickly so nothing gets you while its over your face

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I love the We'll Be Right Back jingle on the Eric Andre show.

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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eat cake in a bowl with milk the way you would eat a bowl of cereal

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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Thinking about life as if its just a dream and wondeing if one day your just going to wake up and be like " wtf just happend".....

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.