How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

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Sometimes I reflect on my life and just feel humiliated.

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Change the channel when a Progressive commercial comes on because I can't STAND that stupid Flo girl.

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I drive in the car then suddenly awake from a day dream and realize ive driven for the last 4 miles with no recollection of the journey.

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When I look at a clear blue sky, I'm convinced that I see little tiny floaty things, and think that I'm seeing air molecules.

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acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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Find that the kettle has recently been used and still contains hot water so decide to have a cup of tea just so that boiling that water wasn't a waste. Think that it might have cooled down by now. Reboil the water.

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Feel like something is behind you/watching you, run to your room super quickly and get into the room before that something gets you

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Write b as d and d as b or p as q and q as p. I mostly write b as d and d as b since I've learned the alphabet. Trying not to do that now

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Point your finger to the sky when your favorite song comes on in the club or the radio

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Imagine your in action movies and die for a girl while your lying there trying too sleep and realising you are deep in thought about something that your too chicken to do.

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listen to madonnas new album

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Turn the door knob while closing the door ...so it doesn't make a loud noise.

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Read the time on your watch, then after a few minutes, read it again because you forgot it.

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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when you are at home doing something then all of a sudden you imagine how you would take down a killer if he came into your home right now. just me?

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I pee in the sink so i don't have to aim

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When you're scared of the bathroom and you close your eyes you quickly look around to check if there's a monster or something in the mirror

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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Imagine a little person trapped and about to be crushed in the progress bar.

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Always have your feet under the cover, and if not, you think that something will get you.

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Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

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Playing a sad song that talks about your current situation and then looking in the mirror or out the window pretending you are in a sad music video.

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I put a cigarette lighter in a fireplace, anyone else?

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.