trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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put your hands in your bra or pants to keep them warm when you're not in public.

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Avoid eating at parties to look as though you're not hungry

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I don't like being told what I will do or how I will feel.

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I always walk down the hall James Bond style. Gun out, along the wall, looking around corners before I walk into or by a room.

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get happy as sh*t when you remember your homework is do after your lunch period so you can do it then, but never end up doing it.

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When I drive I sing really loud and then when a car come up next to me I pretend I wasn't singing

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Whenever I hear a baby or a young child scream very loud, I imagine that their head will explode.

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I doodle on everything I get that can be doodled on, even my exams :)

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When you Saigon the couch and say "I am hungry" but then don't do anything because you are too lazy.

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Sometimes at a red light, I like to look at the person driving next to me and if they look towards me I quickly turn around and pretend I wasn't looking at them.

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Feels my beard with my tongue.

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If I see the same model of vehicle as mine in a parking lot, I get overly excited if I manage to get a parking spot next to it. Extra points for same color or type (i.e. quad cab vs regular cab).

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually in a coma and that everything is just a dream and my parents are standing over me watching me and wishing their daughter was awake

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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I like to turn the lights off in the bathroom, actually block every little bit of light I possibly can, then take a nice warm shower, curl up on the floor, block my ears and enjoy the warm water and sensory deprivation.

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getting furius wen ppl hav bad speling n grammer

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When your watching a YouTube video and you have to watch an AD, you mute it and turn your head away because your just that pissed off at the company.

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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thinking that everybody in the world (except me) has a device which shows them what i am doing, watching and makes them feel what i am feeling

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i feel all weird and sad when i thing about my old belongings.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.