Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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I love to garden and I love flowers. I refuse to have a window box because I don't want those creepy Sesame Street twiddlebugs to live that close to my house.

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Get soo scared in the shower when your home alone that you are scared to open the curtain just incase somebody is out tthere

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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Scratch inside my ear, then lick the finger I used.

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So has anyone else ever been in the middle of doing something and at the exact moment something happens and you sort of wonder if it happened because of what you did.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

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I TALK WITH PEDOBEAR ABOUT OUR BUSINESS ;)

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What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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stare at someone then when they turn around look all around the room pretending you weren't looking at them

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I was the real Stig...

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When Ive already talked to somebody , I think of things I couldve said to make the converstion better

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I like to watch lava lamps heat up

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After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

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Playing a sad song that talks about your current situation and then looking in the mirror or out the window pretending you are in a sad music video.

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Sometimes I feel that my reflection in the mirror will stop doing what I'm doing and either jump out and grab me, start telling me about her reflected life, or give me a mission to free her from her mirror life.

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Tells a joke only you thought was funny and still laughs then laughs harder because your the only one laughing nikki

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Feel bad about hurting someone a long time ago, when I was a child, and wish I could speak to that person and say "I'm sorry." Cringe whenever the thought of the incident rises.

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Sitting down on the toitlet to pee (being a male). It's so comfortable when you're tired. Also: Wonder if there's a female version of this, where girls stand up to take a piss. Just curiosity.

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I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

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A mix of Slenderman and Herobrine would be the ideal husband for me. >:)

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.