getting really nervous about random white vans that drive by you.

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use the hair drier to dry my balls after shower

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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I love the tingly feeling you get when youve shifted after realizing you arm, leg, hand, etc. has gone numb. am i the only one?

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I talk through my teeth when i am talking to my pets.

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Say "Up and Down" for "Left or Right"

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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So has anyone else ever been in the middle of doing something and at the exact moment something happens and you sort of wonder if it happened because of what you did.

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When I see a pregnant woman I can't help but think "she had sex"

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Scratch inside my ear, then lick the finger I used.

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Sometimes I wonder how food tastes when not drowned in ketchup.

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I am such a coward. When I'm going to have an argument or complain to someone, I think of the beat ever retort, but when it comes down to it I say "why are you so mean" or " why don't you just leave me alone for once" or something like that. ( Yes I get picked on, cos I'm the smartest in our class)

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I wake up right before the "sexy" part happens...

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Walk down the street, listening to a song, singing it softly, then thinking 'I might wanna stop doing that before I look awkward', but the wires get crossed and you start singing LOUDER and so on.

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scratch that bit between my balls and arse when it gets itchy, then carry on scratching for ages cos it feels so damn good

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(Men) When you have to poop and pee at the same time, you stand to pee, and THEN sit to poop. Just out of principle.

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Start to cry when your alone, but stop yourself because you don't want to look like a pussy.

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If I get lost while driving, the first thing I do is turn down the radio.

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Intentionally utilize uncommon vocabulary to replace colloquial slang for the pure purpose of entertainment (for oneself). :D

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feel like your calculator is judging/making fun of you for looking up simple equations

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Sometimes I imagine that I am in a coma and all of the things of this world are not real. Then when I wake up from the coma I will be the best inventor of all time.

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Have to have a certain light in the bathroom to poop. Also, nobody can be anywhere near me.

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Tryng to run away from, or at least be faster than my shadow.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.