I take a poop and then stand up to pee because I'm a man

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When you see someone you know in a shopping centre and you pretend that you didnt see them at all because you cant be bothered striking up a conversation.

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when i wake up from a dream and it was an amazing dream. then i try to fall back asleep to have it again...it doesn't work

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Spend ages searching for a porno (normally about 40 minutes), search through it for the best bit, finish and think "what was the point of all that"

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I think any disasterous accidents will not happen to me.

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Waiting alone inside a public toilet for someone to come in and open the door.... so you don't have to touch the handle!

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Sometimes when I'm laughing really hard I awkwardly clap my hands.

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When I am making submissions to this site I sometimes accidentally put them in the comment section

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play Simpsons episodes in my head...way too often

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Open my mouth while doing my mascara... it's impossible not to!!!

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Thinking ambient thoughts while fondling myself into a semi hard-on.

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Spend a ton of time on the way you look and the clothes you choose, then going out in public and imagining you're a celeb.

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I watch American football with the sound down low because the announcers are always trying to tell us that we didn't see what we just saw when the referees make bad calls

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How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

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Whenever I go to close the door to my room, I give the wall opposite me a hard, intimidating stare just in case an invisible person was watching me.

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Guessing on those annoying Captcha things and then getting unnecessarily angry when it tells you you're wrong.

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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Scratching with the wife's/girlfriends hair brush.

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Think long and hard about something but then realise you don't care

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Being in the car and wondering if your parents can read your mind so you think "If you can here me cough in 3, 2, 1..." Sometimes my dad actually does it and he looks back at me and smiles. .-.

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Wonder what random strangers look like or noises and such they make while having sex. Everyone literally. People you interact with at work , customers, your boss, the married couple. Except for people who are like dirty looking af. Our just straight up ugly. Then your like grossed out by those thoughts your having and start getting that home sickfeeling in your stomach. Almost like butterflies but like dead ones or something. Hard to explain.

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when sleeping over at someone's house, make a cringing, weird looking face while opening the fridge in the middle of the night like somehow the look on your face will change the volume of the seal breaking open

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Try to think of something nice then thinks of then scariest things.

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When I am making toast I spread the butter or jam with a spoon

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.