Sometimes when I look at a clock the seconds hand ticks backwards

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When something funny happens think of it a couple days later than laugh,everyone then looks at me weirdly.

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acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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After masterbating, I wonder if my dead relatives can just see what I did?

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When at a restaurant you practice your order inside your head, then when you actually have to order you mess it up.

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If my SOLVE media is too long I refresh it to give me a shorter one

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Have one of those days where you think it is just a dream but then reality takes over

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in the morning when you wake up and take a shower you make weird faces to stretch out and "warm up" your face for the day

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Making gang signs out the window when your parents let you ride in the front seat

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When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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I sometimes chew on the inside of my cheek

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when passing someone in a car beside you, you try to wonder where they are going just by looking at them, their clothes or their expressions

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test how many stares you can scale in one step

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Pretend like i'm having a conversation with someone talking to somebody on a phone, and randomly say something to go with what the person says.

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Turn the door knob while closing the door ...so it doesn't make a loud noise.

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Sometimes when I look in the mirror I act out a scene like Tyra banks coming up to me and asking me to be on America's next top model.

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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poke fun at somebody and pray for forgiveness the following night

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I love to garden and I love flowers. I refuse to have a window box because I don't want those creepy Sesame Street twiddlebugs to live that close to my house.

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Check every spoon fork and knife in the silverware drawer for spots or old food before you choose which one to eat with

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Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

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When I watch porn, I only watch like the first 5-10 minutes of it. To be honest I wonder why people bother making them longer too.

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I TALK WITH PEDOBEAR ABOUT OUR BUSINESS ;)

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.