has a plastic bag full of plastic bags in your house

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i get an headache when i each cheese. but i don't get one when i have pizza or cheese and onion crisps

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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When im home alone, i watch porn with the volume turned up really loud.

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Wipe a soda can after somebody else in my family drinks out of it just in case I get sick or I may feel there spit.

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getting really nervous about random white vans that drive by you.

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Read the time on your watch, then after a few minutes, read it again because you forgot it.

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing

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So has anyone else ever been in the middle of doing something and at the exact moment something happens and you sort of wonder if it happened because of what you did.

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Imagine myself going back in time and giving my friends and family little hints on how their life will pan out.

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Believing in the kindness of strangers

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Thinking about a situation someone else in the world might be in. For example, Someone dying and the pain they must be going through.

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try to give your friends spirit animals

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I have to sleep with my bottom lip stuck to the pillow or my hand so I can breathe.

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sometimes when i wipe my nose a booger will get on my hand then ill get to lazy to get it off and wipe it under my chair.

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Sometimes I wonder why I smell even though I remember putting DO on. I become embarrassed because there is a girl next to me. I hope she cannot smell it. Finally I realize its not me. It's her.

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When someone wants to kill a bug, I'll get insane and catch the bug, then run out and release the bug while saying "NOW YOU'RE FREE!!!!!"

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Sometimes I wait a long time to pee when I really have to go. It feels good.

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I have minions that do what I want because pleasing me makes them happy. Moral: I control, the way you move, how do you like my grove zerg dude?

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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The older I get the more honest I get

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Run faster down hotel corridors.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.