Sometimes I find myself staring at the television only to realize its off.

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When I'm drinking something, I slosh the glass back and forth a long with my head to try and get what I'm drinking into my mouth.

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eat cake in a bowl with milk the way you would eat a bowl of cereal

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When people are walking behind me I automatically think they are staring at my ass and get self-conscious.

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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I often try to visualise and merge my faces with various girls i could potentially fall for, just to assess how our future children would look like.

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You feel compelled to stab someone in the face... But you don't since you know its wrong. Instead you play violent video games to get it off your mind.

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Sit on the back of the commode when at work to give yourself an impromptu break.

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You think someone is reading your mind and hurriedly change what your thinking to something normal

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Panic when your car alarm goes off while you are going to get in because you suddenly look like a criminal.

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When I'm sitting on the toilet, I try to make piss and crap come out at the same time.

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Try to move your head to line up specks on the windshield with objects outside.

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Point your finger to the sky when your favorite song comes on in the club or the radio

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walking up steps in the dark and you think you've gotten to the top but there's actually one more step and you panic because you think your going to fall

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try and open the microwave right before it finishes.

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Think what would I be doing if I was someone else

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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I love the tingly feeling you get when youve shifted after realizing you arm, leg, hand, etc. has gone numb. am i the only one?

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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start telling someone a story and then realize that i would only be funny if they actually saw it.

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.