Sometimes I reflect on my life and just feel humiliated.

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I asked telemarketers for their home number so I can call them at home and disturb THEM while they're relaxing with THEIR family

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When at someone else's house, trying to use the bathroom, keep a very close eye on the door just to make sure nobody's gonna walk in on you...

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acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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Count how many steps there are in a stairwell I use often and then try to take it by same number each time... Eg if there are 16 then always go by twos and missing the others!?!?!?

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Find myself thinking a completely random meaningless sentence as I'm falling asleep with no idea how I got to that thought.

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I hold my breath in elevators

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I used to think that if the earth was completely smoothed flat and you had a really powerful telescope if you looked through it you would see yourself looking through the telescope.

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only read the short jokes on this website

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When you had a crush on a girl in elementary school, then don't see her in middle school and think of how much of a bitch she was. Then You start crushing on her again in high school.

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When I'm watching a movie I have already seen I hope for a different ending but soon realize it won't happen

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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When im home alone, i watch porn with the volume turned up really loud.

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Try to think of something nice when then thinks I the scariest things

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i masturbate with my feet

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Inspect the shower, bath or toilet, then washing it until you believe it is suitable to use.

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Picking my nose.

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I love to garden and I love flowers. I refuse to have a window box because I don't want those creepy Sesame Street twiddlebugs to live that close to my house.

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When you don't have enough money for something, you just take a tiny bit of money from your siblings and parents room at a time so they don't notice any different

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Walk down the street, listening to a song, singing it softly, then thinking 'I might wanna stop doing that before I look awkward', but the wires get crossed and you start singing LOUDER and so on.

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I hum the MLP:FIM theme and hope no one recognizes the tune.

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Trying to do things before the microwave beeps .

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Analyzing what could be wrong or false about your religion and God, then shooing the thoughts away in fear you won't get into Heaven.

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Chew as quietly as possible when eating cookies but as loud as possible when eating fruit.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.