When someone wants to kill a bug, I'll get insane and catch the bug, then run out and release the bug while saying "NOW YOU'RE FREE!!!!!"

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Sometimes I wait a long time to pee when I really have to go. It feels good.

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I have minions that do what I want because pleasing me makes them happy. Moral: I control, the way you move, how do you like my grove zerg dude?

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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The older I get the more honest I get

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Run faster down hotel corridors.

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When posting these, I'm rarely able to read the words/letters in the box that prove you're human and not some computer virus. Now I'm starting to think I'm not a human......

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Playing a sad song that talks about your current situation and then looking in the mirror or out the window pretending you are in a sad music video.

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.don't congratulate someone on facebook until someone other does, because maybe it's a fail.

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accidently sleep on my arm and it falls asleep

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Sitting down on the toitlet to pee (being a male). It's so comfortable when you're tired. Also: Wonder if there's a female version of this, where girls stand up to take a piss. Just curiosity.

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feel like your calculator is judging/making fun of you for looking up simple equations

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Sometimes I accidentally move my mouth in a way where it suddenly makes a random farting noise so I immediately just make more obviously made fart noises just so people wont think I actually farted. Is that only me?

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looking at the last page of thingsyouthinkonlyyoudo.com to see how weird some people are...

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When theres a car just like yours right next to your car in the parking lot you almoat always gravitate to that car instead. It's the worst when there people in the car and you keep trying to open it.

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Realized with 7 billion people, there is a chance that someone else on earth is doing exactly the same thing as me at any given time.

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When you look at the sidewalk and try to step on the boxes instead of the lines, and feel like you need to do it a number of times per leg to make it even.

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Scratch my asshole and always judge it to be okay to continue my day, no matter how bad the smell.

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Leave the fan on at night just in case you feel to warm.

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log out of any social network sites so that when im on a website it doesnt somehow send messages to my profile

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Thinking that out there, on this earth in a lost city, there is an awesome clone of you.

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I'm in the middle of a good dream but I wake up and try to go back to sleep to finish it when it never happens.

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Tryng to run away from, or at least be faster than my shadow.

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I can understand (insert language) but for the life of me I can't speak it.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.