When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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Turn the door knob while closing the door ...so it doesn't make a loud noise.

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I'm a man. When I'm watching a movie with my wife and it has a sad ending. I allways have to cry but moments before the actual end has come I allready start to snif my nose so that she thinks I have a cold and do not have to cry about the ending of the movie.

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try and open the microwave right before it finishes.

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carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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trying to piss after masturbation hurts.

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everytime i see a jet stream in the air i pretend that i can shoot a missile with my finger tip that is self guided and tracks down the airplane that made that certain jet stream.

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sometimes *sigh* sometimes I-I-I-I feel like the third or fourth most useless invention! Moral: BUAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

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Wonder if the life your living is one long dream and your gonna wake up and be some type of alien.

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I twerk in the mirror to see how much my ass jiggles

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Being fat

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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send a text to some one and act like you "meant" to send it to someone else.

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When I'm watching something interesting on TV, sometimes i realize they I'm making a weird face so i make sure that i make my face go back to its normal position. This way, my face won't get stuck like that

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Discovering your friend is an indian (Nicole)

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i answer "why" to questions and then when someone gets pissed i say "when" Hey Jim, how's Mary? Why? Because she's your sister and I care about you. Why? Because you're my best friend. Why? STOP IT! When?

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I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

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Walk down the street, listening to a song, singing it softly, then thinking 'I might wanna stop doing that before I look awkward', but the wires get crossed and you start singing LOUDER and so on.

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Pretending I'm on my cellphone in public.

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Go to fart while you have the flu, only to find out it wasn't a fart at all....

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....you're high and you think you write complete bullshit?

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I don't like being told what I will do or how I will feel.

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Go for a 10 mile run.

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Become self-conscious and wonder if you were making faces while day dreaming during the middle of class.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.