try and open the microwave right before it finishes.

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Sleeping with one leg under the blanket and one out.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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OMG have you ever realized that one of your eyes is showing everything more reddish and the other one showing everything more bluish just like these old 3d glasses

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Being fat

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I love to garden and I love flowers. I refuse to have a window box because I don't want those creepy Sesame Street twiddlebugs to live that close to my house.

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When I see a pregnant woman I can't help but think "she had sex"

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When I watch porn, I only watch like the first 5-10 minutes of it. To be honest I wonder why people bother making them longer too.

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So has anyone else ever been in the middle of doing something and at the exact moment something happens and you sort of wonder if it happened because of what you did.

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Thinking about a situation someone else in the world might be in. For example, Someone dying and the pain they must be going through.

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Scratch inside my ear, then lick the finger I used.

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When I post a picture on a Horsehead Huffer site that I made on Microsoft Paint, and it ends up being one of those that never load, I go back on Paint and save it again. Then I repost it, and it works.

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Looking up your teachers on facebook just to look at their photos

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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....you're high and you think you write complete bullshit?

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I was the real Stig...

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Start to cry when your alone, but stop yourself because you don't want to look like a pussy.

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The older I get the more honest I get

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Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing.

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Feel bad about hurting someone a long time ago, when I was a child, and wish I could speak to that person and say "I'm sorry." Cringe whenever the thought of the incident rises.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.