when you wake up in the morning to a text and you read it with one eye open

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When I watch porn, I only watch like the first 5-10 minutes of it. To be honest I wonder why people bother making them longer too.

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Deside to watch a video in bed on your phone or iPad and drop it on your face...

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Sometimes I wonder how food tastes when not drowned in ketchup.

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All of my friends go to halloween parties. I still go trick or treating.

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I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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Tap my fingers really rapidly when I'm annoyed, stressed out, fed up or angry.

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Watch peoples body language and see if they're on the same pace of thought as i am and then try to speed up my thinking to pretend or act like I am realizing something they are not.

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Whenever Terminator 2 is on tv, I become enthralled and can't stop watching even though I've seen it a million times.

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Sometimes when I'm bored I start shouting things in German.

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Start to cry when your alone, but stop yourself because you don't want to look like a pussy.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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When Ive already talked to somebody , I think of things I couldve said to make the converstion better

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when listening to pandora just skip through the songs and hit the like or hate buttons and not listen to the music,but then when you want to listen to the music you can't because theres no wifi

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Talking to yourself in your head so you don't seem so crazy.

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Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

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The older I get the more honest I get

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When you like your own comment or status', but then you feel kind of pathetic for doing it so you unlike it.

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When I get "interactive" commercials on my laptop screen, I like to "just shoot 4 out of 5 ducks" and feel like I have cheated the system.

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eat the muffin bottom because it isn't as good as the top and i want to get it over with

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accidently sleep on my arm and it falls asleep

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sometimes i feel like the person i look at in the mirror is not my own reflection

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I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.