Criticize a porn novel for its poor use of the English language

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If I have to get up early the following day I will surprisingly wake up early even without an alarm

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How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

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I pretend I'm a really popular YouTuber and talk to nobody thinking they're my subscribers.

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i leave tv on when i sleep...cant close it cause i hate to hear....noices...in my bedroom that cant identify......

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Pretend the legs of a chair are the barrels of a mini gun while moving them.

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When I'm at home alone, I feel like people are watching me through my windows, so I act completely civil.

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I don't know why but I really wish I can ride a bike or drive a car through a shopping mall.

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Opening the fridge door, then trying to accomplish pouring a drink, before the door seals itself forever leaving the cola to the mercy of the outside world.

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taking your t shirt or sweatshirt off quickly so nothing gets you while its over your face

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Sometimes when I fart while sitting down, I lift one leg up.

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get some of the lyrics to a song wrong. you know theyre wrong, but continue to sing the wrong words anyway, because the real words just don't seem to fit.

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Sometimes hold a piece of chocolate between your fingers until it melts then lick the yummy gooeyness off your fingers

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I don't use my car air conditioning because I think it's wasteful and it might "run-out" when I'm REALLY, REALLY hot.

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when your professor describes their wife or husband you imagine their wife or husband.

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eat cake in a bowl with milk the way you would eat a bowl of cereal

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I talk to inanimate objects daily.

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I flush the toilet if the water's green and I'm going to have a poo, so it doesn't splash me.

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in a grocery store, only walking on the colored single tiles the entire time your in there pretending there small cliffs without touching the white one otherwise you fall and fail.

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Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

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Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

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After reading something from this site, I find myself compelled to try it.

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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If my SOLVE media is too long I refresh it to give me a shorter one

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.