When at a restaurant you practice your order inside your head, then when you actually have to order you mess it up.

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RE:" pee on the side of the toilet" you dont pee on the side of the toilet so it isn't loud. you pee on the side so it doesn't splash on you're legs as much.

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Try to figure out if some of the posts were written by the same person.

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Going through a lot of Deja Vu lately, it feels like you have another life before this one.

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Waiting with a friend the microwave countdown finish and when comes to 0 shout "Happy New Year!" and we hug each other

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turn off the tv by accident and then turn it on only to find that it takes forever to work again

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only read the short jokes on this website

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walking up steps in the dark and you think you've gotten to the top but there's actually one more step and you panic because you think your going to fall

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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When in class , I move alot in my chair when my butt itches .

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Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

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Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

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Looking at something suggestive on your computer and worrying that someone else in your family can see what you're doing on their computer.

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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Blow into the shower head when I'm taking a shower to make what sounds like jet noises

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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I have tried jumping in an airplane to see if I fall in the same spot

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When you are reading a book and find that you are narrating the words you read in the book, to yourself. You feel weird, so you try to stop doing this by reading further or focusing more on the book.

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When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a hardon and make people think it's that big all time.

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Put the porn sound in a really low volume even when you have headphones, just to make sure noone can hear it. Then take off the headphones once in a while to check if it sounds too loud.

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carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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standing at the mall with your group talking, you all decide to start walking to a store, start to follow but half the group stays behind for a few seconds then they start walking, walk a slower pace only to find out that you're in the middle of your split groups e.g. 3 in front 4 behind...dont know which one to merge to......wait for your group to collaborate back together.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.