When you think about your life then think your parents had to have sex to make you. Then start thinking about all the gross old teachers you've had that probably had sex. Then when you get older your parents tell you about all the times they had sex when you were in the house.

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Pretend to be texting to look popular in public

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When standing in long lines (stores, banks etc..) I think about how other people would react if I puked all over the place with no warning.

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try to only take one step on each sidewalk square.

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I put a cigarette lighter in a fireplace, anyone else?

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I take a dump and then look to see how big it is.

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I think any disasterous accidents will not happen to me.

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I have dreams that I am really rich and wake up to be thankful for my life just the way it is

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I don't like to meet people when I'm well dressed because that's not me all of the time.

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I try to not step on the lines on the sidewalk

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You try to tell a joke to impress everyone and then you mess it up.

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Scratching with the wife's/girlfriends hair brush.

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Sometimes, when I'm at work, I j3rk 0ff in the bathroom. Please tell me someone else has done this????

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Sleep in your jeans because you think it feels comfortable in the morning.

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Set multiple alarms to wake me up in the morning so I dont just turn it off and fall back asleep

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Rub a pen tip between my fingers.

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only read the short jokes on this website

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sitting in the passenger seat of the car, move my head around gently to guide a piece of dirt on the window in the foreground around the obstacle course of trees, streetlights etc in the background. Also, imagine my eyes are projecting lasers which cut through anything and carve the passing world up to my design.

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Eat everything inside my burgers first then i eat the buns.

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I often try to visualise and merge my faces with various girls i could potentially fall for, just to assess how our future children would look like.

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I just saw the D in Disney for the first time ever. My brain always saw a backwards G. I knew it was supposed to be a D, I just never bothered to fix it. There has been a G there my whole life.

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When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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Whenever I pull a long hair from my vagina or butt, it feels good.

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Making gang signs out the window when your parents let you ride in the front seat

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.