When im out with my dad in the car i swear traffic lights always seem to go to red when were coming

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Wonder if the life your living is one long dream and your gonna wake up and be some type of alien.

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I try really hard to come up with a funny joke on antijokes.com, then I give up and come to this website instead.

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Think that everything you do is life is being recorded by secret cameras and you're on a reality show. But you don't actually know. The Truman Show. -Robert

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Having to poop in a certain way to avoid your ass sucking it in again. If it all comes out in one go, the cleaning becomes a lot easier and more satisfying.

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HEY! YOU! Yeah you! I can speak you only, NO! Nobody else here! Yeah you only you, by the way you are a dirty piece of s**t you mothe* F**ker! YEAH ITS YOU! I HATE YOU! EVERYBODY HATES YOU YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! *end of special message just for you*

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I always have trouble leaving a airplanes lavatory I never get the door open

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rub your face on your legs after shaving to feel how smooth they are.

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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taking a shit while brushing my teeth.

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as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

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Do a little half laugh, then when someone looks at you, you realise that it wasn't even funny so you pretend to be clearing your throat.

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While I Am on the computer late at night, my Mum tells me to go to bed, I say I will in a second. I stay for a few more minutes, my mum tells me again, I do the same thing...

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I piss in the bed every night

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Getting over excited when you hear a song you like on the radio, even though you have it on your Ipod and can listen to it whenever you want.

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When you have a stuffy nose, and you put tissue in one nostril so you can breathe.

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I love touching, squeezing and occasionally biting my dog's (read: any dog's) muzzle. I love the texture and the gummy-ness. I also love how pissed he gets when I do it and sneezes after.

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Sometimes, for no real reason, I'll make strange or funny noises when no one is around.

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Try to make a turd that touches the bottom of the toilet before it breaks off.

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Thinking ambient thoughts while fondling myself into a semi hard-on.

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1. When you're downstairs at night you go upstairs as fast as fucking possible. 2. When you switch volume in TV, the second number has to be 0 or 5.

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Sometimes while texting or messaging, I enact the physical gestures that accompany what I'm saying as if it were an in-person conversation, even though no one can see me.

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When I drive I sing really loud and then when a car come up next to me I pretend I wasn't singing

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Think long and hard about something but then realise you don't care

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.