Even if it's something as innocent as a simple google search, I'm still inexplicably terrified when my parents draw near and could potentially see it. I silently flip out and frantically hide it like it's porn or something. ..And I don't even look at porn :I

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Coughing really loud to cover up the sound of your fart, then shitting your pants.

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I hug-squeeze the bread to get all the air out before putting it away.

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When I'm driving through traffic lights that are green, I use my psychic powers to make them change so no one behind me gets through.

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If I'm walking across a road and a car stops to allow me to pass, I say 'Thank you' even though I know full well they cannot hear me.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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when you are at home doing something then all of a sudden you imagine how you would take down a killer if he came into your home right now. just me?

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Check behind the shower curtain for a killer.

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When you are almost crying while laughing in a silent area, you have to think terrible thoughts just to get rid of the laughing.

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When you know your alone, you still have to check the whole house.

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Think of all the perverted and disgusting things that I'd like to do to the women at work then feel bad for being a vile and disgusting person, then kind of feel turned on anyway lol.

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I TALK WITH PEDOBEAR ABOUT OUR BUSINESS ;)

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I very carefully smell what I'm about to eat before I eat it, but I'd most likely eat it, even if I hadn't smelled it first.

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Pretend that when you are in the shower, the shower head is a giant machine gun, that takes thousands of men to operate, and that you were an extremely large person and you catch ALL of the bullets in your mouth, spitting them at the shower head while at the same time turning off the water as if they all died, and the small drips that continue to drop out were the dead soldires' blood.....-dillon

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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I eat spoons of dry hot chocolate powder when nobody is around.

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hover over public toilets and end up leaving a sprinkling of pee that lands uniformly all over on the seat then use a big wad of TP and my foot to wipe down the seat.

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Search "sex" whenever you see a dictionary.

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fart

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Every time I see a pretty girl,the first thing I think is how I'd love to pin her down and tickle her.

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I like to lather my entire body with Nutella and put paper in my hands and stand there acting like a tree.

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When I go up the stairs, I always have to end on my right foot. If I have to, I will even hop on one foot on the last stair in order to land on it.

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Sometimes I forget that there are spiders in my bedroom, so after I've seen one I can't sleep for several days for fear that they'll eat me if I do. Then I forget about them again and thus the cycle starts.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.