When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

thumb_up thumb_down -57

I waTch 2 GIRLS AND 1 CUP AND I FAPPED THOSE BITCHES MANY TIMES! HELL YEA! /M\

thumb_up thumb_down -59

Discovering your friend is an indian (Nicole)

thumb_up thumb_down -61

Play my music so low in public that I can hardly hear it in my headphones for fear of others being able to hear what I'm listening to.

thumb_up thumb_down -61

Love feet. like LOVE feet.

thumb_up thumb_down -61

Turn volume down on iPod or tv, then turn up one bar to make it seem like it's still loud.

thumb_up thumb_down -61

I imagine myself having a superpower that could make people see from my point of view. I would just have to lay a hand on them, and suddenly they would understand who I really am.

thumb_up thumb_down -65

try to give your friends spirit animals

thumb_up thumb_down -67

I blow my nose in my towel after i dry off. Then use the same towel the next day. lol

thumb_up thumb_down -69

Everytime aplane is flying low you think it's going to crash right in front of your eyes

thumb_up thumb_down -71

What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

thumb_up thumb_down -75

(okay maybe not a thing I do but something I noticed) When people call themselves "Writers" In today's world you know that might not be the case because we have computers so shouldn't they be called typers?

thumb_up thumb_down -75

Love to check my astrological compatibility with my favorite musicians.

thumb_up thumb_down -77

I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

thumb_up thumb_down -109

If someone high fives me on one hand, I need to high five the other one too, or I feel uneven.

thumb_up thumb_down +86

If im taking a crap in the public washrooms and someone walks in I try to make covering noise as soon as its about to plop.

thumb_up thumb_down +42

make it a point of interest to know every word to a song that nobody likes. (i.e. call me maybe) >.>

thumb_up thumb_down +22

Sometimes I accidentally move my mouth in a way where it suddenly makes a random farting noise so I immediately just make more obviously made fart noises just so people wont think I actually farted. Is that only me?

thumb_up thumb_down +20

I wonder what it wonder be like to have a really tall girlfriend?

thumb_up thumb_down +16

Wipe the salt off your hand on your right pant leg after eating salty fries from fast food restaurants.

thumb_up thumb_down +14

I take a poop and then stand up to pee because I'm a man

thumb_up thumb_down +10

When I Download A Song Or Movie And The Download Speed Slows Down I Think The FBI Is Tracking Me.

thumb_up thumb_down +10

Stab myself on a daily basis

thumb_up thumb_down +6

When the good guy in a movie is in a bad situation, I imagine myself doing something different that seems more legit.

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.