Sometimes when I look at a clock the seconds hand ticks backwards

When something funny happens think of it a couple days later than laugh,everyone then looks at me weirdly.

After masterbating, I wonder if my dead relatives can just see what I did?

I always ask myself "Why am I me?". But have never come up with a good answer.

judge a spider on it's ability to hide from me and decide to let it survive if I consider it a clever hiding place, then get paranoid because the spider was smart.

When ever i watch a movie with my parents i hope to god there is no nudity or awkward sex talk

Whenever I got hurt I used to just run like that would stop the pain

Find myself thinking a completely random meaningless sentence as I'm falling asleep with no idea how I got to that thought.

Get turned on when you see a girl yawn

Smoking in the shower.

in the morning when you wake up and take a shower you make weird faces to stretch out and "warm up" your face for the day

Panic when your car alarm goes off while you are going to get in because you suddenly look like a criminal.

(1) In the middle of a conversation, I start to think of all the crazy stuff I could do even though I would never want to i.e. punching them in the face, making out with them, flashing them.

Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

I'm a man. When I'm watching a movie with my wife and it has a sad ending. I allways have to cry but moments before the actual end has come I allready start to snif my nose so that she thinks I have a cold and do not have to cry about the ending of the movie.

When I'm watching a movie I have already seen I hope for a different ending but soon realize it won't happen

getting furius wen ppl hav bad speling n grammer

No ones home. Go to youtube and do karaoke. Can the neighbors here me? Guess im not talking to them ever again...

Pay attention to commercial breaks to see if there is ever a break without an advertisement about cars or new movies coming out

carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

when you wake up in the morning to a text and you read it with one eye open

Looking up your teachers on facebook just to look at their photos

When I see a pregnant woman I can't help but think "she had sex"

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.