when I go shopping I go in the store, get what I need and then I leave I don't browse.

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Before going to the bathroom, check behind the shower curtains for serial killers.

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wipe your armpit and then sniff it to see how bad you smell

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When I drive I sing really loud and then when a car come up next to me I pretend I wasn't singing

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when i watch a movie, and a character in it gos underwater, i hold my breath with that person until that person gets above water, then i let go, either that, after the character comes up from the water, i still hold my breath until i cant take it anymore.

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Learning a definition of a word and after that seeing it everywhere.

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Change the channel when a Progressive commercial comes on because I can't STAND that stupid Flo girl.

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I can only play a piano with my right hand

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When two people in my house are arguing, I stay in my room to avoid awkwardly interrupting them and being dragged into it.

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I asked telemarketers for their home number so I can call them at home and disturb THEM while they're relaxing with THEIR family

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acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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Wait until my significant other is in shower and then let loose the longest, loudest fart that's been building in me all night and pray it's muffled by the mattress and the covers.

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Sometimes when I'm watching a sitcom, I get distracted from the jokes because the characters are in a bedroom and I start focusing on the awesome stuff they have.

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having cool friends, but all their other friends are nerds.

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Turn shower water all the way up hot before getting out because it feels good

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I have an irrational fear of automatic flushing toilets.

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in the morning when you wake up and take a shower you make weird faces to stretch out and "warm up" your face for the day

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only read the short jokes on this website

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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Pay attention to commercial breaks to see if there is ever a break without an advertisement about cars or new movies coming out

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Use a signature that automatically gets me hundreds of red thumbs... Yeah that moral crap...

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Sometimes when I'm bored I start shouting things in German.

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Whenever Terminator 2 is on tv, I become enthralled and can't stop watching even though I've seen it a million times.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.