Go to bed with my left nostril clogged, wake up with my right nostril clogged.

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I chew my ice cream.

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Think long and hard about something but then realise you don't care

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When my girlfriend ask me what I am thinking about, I tell her I am thinking of all the great things about my last girlfriend.

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I wonder if elections are rigged?

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thinking "what if people can read my mind" then cant stop thinking dirty things about people around me

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I'm in the middle of a good dream but I wake up and try to go back to sleep to finish it when it never happens.

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When I can't find my phone so I panic and shearch everywhere only to find out it was in my pocket.

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Feels my beard with my tongue.

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when I go shopping I go in the store, get what I need and then I leave I don't browse.

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I never feel bored

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taking your t shirt or sweatshirt off quickly so nothing gets you while its over your face

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when making thing only you think you do you never read the terms of service

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Thinking you could be in a "Truman Show" style scenario and scanning areas of your house and possessions for tiny little cameras and microphones.

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when your doing something or going somewhere you think didn't I already do this, like your back in time.

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Point your finger to the sky when your favorite song comes on in the club or the radio

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Hide important things in places at home but forget later where you hid them.

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blink

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When I see a pregnant woman I can't help but think "she had sex"

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Left alone Big noise, people aren't expected back as soon so grab baseball bat and charge only to find them back early...."what you doing?" "batting my socks around practising my baseball skills"

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When looking at a digital clock that counts down to seconds, I wait until the seconds are an even number, then I try to say each number in order twice before it changes.

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I lift my butt when I'm farting

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.