Love to check my astrological compatibility with my favorite musicians.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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You pretend to fight imaginary people while no ones looking:/ But you look like the star wars kid...

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realize that no one is listening to me talk so I say something completely random to try and get there attention

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Sing every word to Bohemian Rhapsody every time you hear it in the most dramatic way possible.

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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Keep trying to defend your point even after you've realized you're wrong in an argument

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thinking that everybody in the world (except me) has a device which shows them what i am doing, watching and makes them feel what i am feeling

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Open my mouth while doing my mascara... it's impossible not to!!!

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When you Saigon the couch and say "I am hungry" but then don't do anything because you are too lazy.

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Whenever I hear a baby or a young child scream very loud, I imagine that their head will explode.

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When my girlfriend ask me what I am thinking about, I tell her I am thinking of all the great things about my last girlfriend.

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Refreshing captcha codes for five minutes straight until you find reasonably legible letters.

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When i talk i say i like how or i hate that.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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Whenever you make cereal, you eat exactly where you make it like on the table.

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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Fall down the stairs, bounce on your ass to the bottom, feel scared, then want to DO IT AGAIN! Get pwned at a game, rage, look at your cat sitting beside you, looking back, and say "What?"

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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When I used to go on car rides at night I would look up at the moon and I would think it was following us.

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Avoid eating at parties to look as though you're not hungry

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Pretending you're a badass character from an anime or movie when listening to rock music (or something similar)

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.