I was the real Stig...

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Go for a 10 mile run.

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Chew as quietly as possible when eating cookies but as loud as possible when eating fruit.

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Think that some minutes feel shorter than others

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I love touching, squeezing and occasionally biting my dog's (read: any dog's) muzzle. I love the texture and the gummy-ness. I also love how pissed he gets when I do it and sneezes after.

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When I use the bathroom at school, I keep the door open with the kickstand and use the stall. It's because I fear that one day, when I'm all alone in the bathroom with the door closed, the fire alarm will go off and scare the living crap out of me. This trick backfires when someone comes in without closing the door and uses the urinal.

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Whenever I hear a baby or a young child scream very loud, I imagine that their head will explode.

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I mean Diana Ross.

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Eat a biscuit realise how nice it is and eat the whole packet

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If someone tells me what I did when I was drinking and it's stupid or embarrassing I pretend I don't remember because I was too drunk.

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Every time I miss a gree light by just a couple seconds, I think to myself, "Maybe if I had made that light an out of control semi would be slamming into my car right at this moment." Thank you red light.

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Pretend the legs of a chair are the barrels of a mini gun while moving them.

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We keep a spare key hidden outside somewhere in case we are locked out

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Nero the clit collector. What+ you never collected stamps, coins or something? YOUR CRIMES! WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES FOR FUCKlNG CRIMES SAKE ETC.

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My bedroom is at the end of the house, so when I turn the light out and sprint to the lounge room, thinking Jeff the Killer could get me...

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I love the We'll Be Right Back jingle on the Eric Andre show.

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I don't read the terms of service.

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Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

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Saying an awkward word enough times so that it doesn't sound like a real word anymore

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Think what would I be doing if I was someone else

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Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

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When I'm riding in the car, I'll spot a tree, make it my goal and try to beat the car on the opposite side of the road to it. (Seriously I don't think anyone else does this!)

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only read the short jokes on this website

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Pretending there is a man running beside you during a long car journey and jumping over obstacles

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.