How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

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When playing a game you refer to the kid you don't know as "kid" - ar2

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I see something glittery, someone tells me not to pick it up because I'll glitter all over myself, I pick it up anyway and glitter all over myself.

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I can only play a piano with my right hand

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i talk to myself in the mirror just to see how i look when im talking to somebody else, i even practice faces and my laugh (i should get a life)

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humiliating little girls

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Surfing nsfw subreddit at work

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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When two people in my house are arguing, I stay in my room to avoid awkwardly interrupting them and being dragged into it.

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If i read or see something good (on tv )the next time i daydream i am always some how involved in it

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Find that the kettle has recently been used and still contains hot water so decide to have a cup of tea just so that boiling that water wasn't a waste. Think that it might have cooled down by now. Reboil the water.

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I am 23 and I know how to spell "STORK"

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I have won so many competitions online for things like being the 99, 999th visitor on the site

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pull out a flies wings and let it go

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everytime i see a jet stream in the air i pretend that i can shoot a missile with my finger tip that is self guided and tracks down the airplane that made that certain jet stream.

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LOG OFF OF ICHAT BECAUSE THE PERSON U WERE JUST TALKING TO WENT OFFLINE.

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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only read the short jokes on this website

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make south park refferences every day

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Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

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Play call of duty then go around shooting everyone in your mind for the rest of the day

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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Run faster down hotel corridors.

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Chew as quietly as possible when eating cookies but as loud as possible when eating fruit.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.