I asked telemarketers for their home number so I can call them at home and disturb THEM while they're relaxing with THEIR family

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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Sometimes I turn on my bedroom fan at night just so i can use heavier blankets.

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Whenever you make cereal, you eat exactly where you make it like on the table.

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Feel like something is behind you/watching you, run to your room super quickly and get into the room before that something gets you

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I'm ridiculously turned on by the scent nail polish.

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Fall down the stairs, bounce on your ass to the bottom, feel scared, then want to DO IT AGAIN! Get pwned at a game, rage, look at your cat sitting beside you, looking back, and say "What?"

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when your doing something or going somewhere you think didn't I already do this, like your back in time.

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I have walked into a sliding glass door

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If I see the same model of vehicle as mine in a parking lot, I get overly excited if I manage to get a parking spot next to it. Extra points for same color or type (i.e. quad cab vs regular cab).

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I lift my butt when I'm farting

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Start walking down a busy street or mall, and realise I've gone the wrong way. Suddenly stop and pretend to read something on my phone for a few seconds before turning round and walking the right way.

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Sometimes when I kill a bug, i wrap it up in a giant wad of paper towels, put it in a plastic sandwich bag, THEN throw it away. just in case...

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Try to think of something nice when then thinks I the scariest things

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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Have a dream about somebody being mean to me. Proceed to be mean to them in real life.

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Cheak the fridge every 5 minuets waiting for food to just "magicly" appear

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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When I used to go on car rides at night I would look up at the moon and I would think it was following us.

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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put your hands in your bra or pants to keep them warm when you're not in public.

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Avoid eating at parties to look as though you're not hungry

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When a tooth is very loose,i shake it with my tongue because that pain is relaxing.

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I don't like being told what I will do or how I will feel.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.