only read the short jokes on this website

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Ask me if an outfit makes you look fat? I'll say VERY!

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When you are reading a book and find that you are narrating the words you read in the book, to yourself. You feel weird, so you try to stop doing this by reading further or focusing more on the book.

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Check every spoon fork and knife in the silverware drawer for spots or old food before you choose which one to eat with

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i masturbate with my feet

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When looking at a digital clock that counts down to seconds, I wait until the seconds are an even number, then I try to say each number in order twice before it changes.

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make south park refferences every day

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Thinking you're very popular after you have owned someone at school.

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Sometimes I wonder why I smell even though I remember putting DO on. I become embarrassed because there is a girl next to me. I hope she cannot smell it. Finally I realize its not me. It's her.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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Sometimes when I'm bored I start shouting things in German.

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that time where you open the fridge door and stare at it for like 10 min then close it and walk away?

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Laying in bed at a friends place with your eyes closed imaging where you would end up if you got up and went to the toilet as if it was your own house.

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Imagine a little person trapped and about to be crushed in the progress bar.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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When dunking oreos I like to hold it under the milk and watch the bubbles til they stop

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Always have your feet under the cover, and if not, you think that something will get you.

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Be talking to someone about something random, then a few days later or so... something very relevant to that happens, then you think to yourself "I'm sure I can tell the future"... I'm very confident that, that is just me...

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Press harder on the remote when I know the batteries are dead.

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Pretend I'm a back-up dancer or singing a duet with the singer of the song I'm listening to.

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Wondering if your life is a TV show, and people are watching what you do.

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When I hear footsteps approaching while I'm sitting on the toilet, I'm getting ready to jump at the door in case I actually forgot to lock it.

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I feel strange when I look at someone and think ''This person has had sex''

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I never take drinks into smelly places, out of fear that the smell will somehow get into my drink and contaminate the taste.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.