I lift my butt when I'm farting

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Start walking down a busy street or mall, and realise I've gone the wrong way. Suddenly stop and pretend to read something on my phone for a few seconds before turning round and walking the right way.

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Have a dream about somebody being mean to me. Proceed to be mean to them in real life.

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Cheak the fridge every 5 minuets waiting for food to just "magicly" appear

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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i get an headache when i each cheese. but i don't get one when i have pizza or cheese and onion crisps

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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put your hands in your bra or pants to keep them warm when you're not in public.

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Pretending you're a badass character from an anime or movie when listening to rock music (or something similar)

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When dunking oreos I like to hold it under the milk and watch the bubbles til they stop

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I don't like being told what I will do or how I will feel.

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I always walk down the hall James Bond style. Gun out, along the wall, looking around corners before I walk into or by a room.

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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Think something you shouldn't about someone, stop thinking about it in case they read your mind, and then, as an added precaution, think "I know you listening".

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i feel all weird and sad when i thing about my old belongings.

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That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

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Open my mouth while doing my mascara... it's impossible not to!!!

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I doodle on everything I get that can be doodled on, even my exams :)

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Pretend i'm a sim.

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I asked telemarketers for their home number so I can call them at home and disturb THEM while they're relaxing with THEIR family

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Whenever you make cereal, you eat exactly where you make it like on the table.

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Sometimes when I kill a bug, i wrap it up in a giant wad of paper towels, put it in a plastic sandwich bag, THEN throw it away. just in case...

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.