think up the funniest jokes right before i go to sleep and cant think of them the next day

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when you're walking down the streets and you listen to your iPod, you pretend you're part of the music video for that song and when no ones looking, lip sync to the lyrics, as if the camera man's filming you >.

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When I Download A Song Or Movie And The Download Speed Slows Down I Think The FBI Is Tracking Me.

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Every time I miss a gree light by just a couple seconds, I think to myself, "Maybe if I had made that light an out of control semi would be slamming into my car right at this moment." Thank you red light.

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Pretend the legs of a chair are the barrels of a mini gun while moving them.

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think about how different my life would be I if I didn't get married

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I pretend I'm a really popular YouTuber and talk to nobody thinking they're my subscribers.

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Mares really turn me on, so I download "bad stuff" Ironically though, I worked at a farm last summer and realized there is nothing more disgusting than reality. Still mares turn me on... If on video.

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I used to peep when my relatives are watching porn, back when i was a kid. After that, i feel like i wanna pee.

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Surfing nsfw subreddit at work

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wait til the last second to stop the microwave before it dings

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Go outside to meet a friend but he cancelled so you stay in your garage so your parents don't know you're there

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standing at the mall with your group talking, you all decide to start walking to a store, start to follow but half the group stays behind for a few seconds then they start walking, walk a slower pace only to find out that you're in the middle of your split groups e.g. 3 in front 4 behind...dont know which one to merge to......wait for your group to collaborate back together.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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Putting pressure on my closed eyes and seeing fireworks behind my eyelids

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I don't like being told what I will do or how I will feel.

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I take a poop and then stand up to pee because I'm a man

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Wipe the salt off your hand on your right pant leg after eating salty fries from fast food restaurants.

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When I'm home alone, I start hearing random noises and think someone is breaking in.

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When no one is home, I poop with the door open, just because I can.

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Sometimes when you're at work and you're REALLY horny, you look around at the women you work with and think who you really would like to bone, then on another particular day when you aren't horny, you see the same women and think to yourself " I must have REALLY been horny. What was I thinking?" lol (not trying to be gross, but honestly, who doesn't get horny while at work sometimes)

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after dialing a number and clicking "call" constanly rehearse what your going to say when the other person picks up the line

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Listening to romantic hollywood sad core and feeling depressed because your single.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.