Wake up after a dream. About a day later you think about if it was real or not.

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shit corn, even though i havent recently eaten corn.

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Constantly looking up at a Facebook tab while on another tab to see if you have any notifications or messages.

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I wonder if elections are rigged?

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Wait until my significant other is in shower and then let loose the longest, loudest fart that's been building in me all night and pray it's muffled by the mattress and the covers.

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Accidentally scratching a surface and then scratching it again with the tops of your fingernails to even it out.

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I hold my breath in elevators

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When home alone and you hear a noise getting out a gun/weapon.

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I probably am the only one who does this but I climb on my cat's cat tree to see what it's like to be a cat o.o

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When a passneger in the car, I sing songs in my head and hope the song is in time with the signs and streetlights as I drive past them.

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Stop singing about weed when you see a cop car.

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Walking around on the streets wondering if you are really walking in place, and the earth is spinning according to how you walk, like a treadmill.

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Sometimes I reflect on my life and just feel humiliated.

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Peel my mandarin oranges in one try

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I make sims of everyone I know and make them have kids together.

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fart and then breathe it in really quick hoping no one else smells it first

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I talk to inanimate objects daily.

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i pull for the chicken when peter and the chicken fight on family guy cause peter is a jackhole

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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That feeling you get where you slip on something but you save yourself just in time and your just like "holy crap, i almost cracked my head and died," then two minutes later your legs are still shaking

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Taking the time to lick all of the cream off of the inside of an Oreo.

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in a grocery store, only walking on the colored single tiles the entire time your in there pretending there small cliffs without touching the white one otherwise you fall and fail.

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i talk to myself in the mirror just to see how i look when im talking to somebody else, i even practice faces and my laugh (i should get a life)

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I tend to ignore phone calls, even when I know the phone call could be important.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.