Wait until my significant other is in shower and then let loose the longest, loudest fart that's been building in me all night and pray it's muffled by the mattress and the covers.

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When at a restaurant you practice your order inside your head, then when you actually have to order you mess it up.

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When I'm home alone at night I check around the corners to make sure there isn't anyone there

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Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

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Making gang signs out the window when your parents let you ride in the front seat

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When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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If I'm in the car looking for an address or a street name I'll turn down the radio. Why?

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test how many stares you can scale in one step

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Turn the door knob while closing the door ...so it doesn't make a loud noise.

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Pretend like i'm having a conversation with someone talking to somebody on a phone, and randomly say something to go with what the person says.

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Sometimes when I look in the mirror I act out a scene like Tyra banks coming up to me and asking me to be on America's next top model.

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When im home alone, i watch porn with the volume turned up really loud.

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everytime i see a jet stream in the air i pretend that i can shoot a missile with my finger tip that is self guided and tracks down the airplane that made that certain jet stream.

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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poke fun at somebody and pray for forgiveness the following night

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Read the time on your watch, then after a few minutes, read it again because you forgot it.

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I love to garden and I love flowers. I refuse to have a window box because I don't want those creepy Sesame Street twiddlebugs to live that close to my house.

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Check every spoon fork and knife in the silverware drawer for spots or old food before you choose which one to eat with

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Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

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When I post a picture on a Horsehead Huffer site that I made on Microsoft Paint, and it ends up being one of those that never load, I go back on Paint and save it again. Then I repost it, and it works.

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I have to sleep with my bottom lip stuck to the pillow or my hand so I can breathe.

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Turn volume down on iPod or tv, then turn up one bar to make it seem like it's still loud.

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.