Watched the woman in black then go to bed then suddenly a woman in black comes in my room oh wait it is just my mum saying good night

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Left alone Big noise, people aren't expected back as soon so grab baseball bat and charge only to find them back early...."what you doing?" "batting my socks around practising my baseball skills"

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

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I hate it when people assume I'm smart just because I don't speak much and I wear glasses.

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After getting up from the grass, I use my foot to move the grass I was sitting on around so that there isn't a butt print in the grass.

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Go through a bunch of the boxes with the messed up letters (The ones making sure your not a robot) trying to find one you like. Then, click the refresh button and realize that the last one might have been the best one you were going to get.

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Kill Jb without getting aressted.

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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Pretending you're a badass character from an anime or movie when listening to rock music (or something similar)

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Whenever you shave, you make sure you cut both ends of your moustache, leaving a small patch in the middle above your lips. Then you pretend to be Hitler ;)

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Go to fart while you have the flu, only to find out it wasn't a fart at all....

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When someone wants to kill a bug, I'll get insane and catch the bug, then run out and release the bug while saying "NOW YOU'RE FREE!!!!!"

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scratch that bit between my balls and arse when it gets itchy, then carry on scratching for ages cos it feels so damn good

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Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

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Sitting on toilet after pooping without wiping for longer than a minute because your in your phone.

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(Men) When you have to poop and pee at the same time, you stand to pee, and THEN sit to poop. Just out of principle.

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Start to cry when your alone, but stop yourself because you don't want to look like a pussy.

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When dunking oreos I like to hold it under the milk and watch the bubbles til they stop

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I have minions that do what I want because pleasing me makes them happy. Moral: I control, the way you move, how do you like my grove zerg dude?

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Use the massaging shower head on my anus to power blast the poop plaque away

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Sometimes when someone says something to me, I will hear them perfectly clear, but I will instinctively say "what?"

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Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

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When your watching a YouTube video and you have to watch an AD, you mute it and turn your head away because your just that pissed off at the company.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.