Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

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Pretending there is a man running beside you during a long car journey and jumping over obstacles

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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I have memorized my drivers license registration number

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Only use the left earphone.

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When I'm walking I look up at nothing in particular and it causes everyone else to look up too!

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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Take pieces of loose hair and keep it in a plastic bag in my wallet so if I ever get killed and my ID stolen, my body can still be identified.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

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Play call of duty then go around shooting everyone in your mind for the rest of the day

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watch reality t.v. when you're feeling guilty and think to yourself "at least I'm not as bad as that"

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing

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When I'm watching something interesting on TV, sometimes i realize they I'm making a weird face so i make sure that i make my face go back to its normal position. This way, my face won't get stuck like that

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

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Everytime aplane is flying low you think it's going to crash right in front of your eyes

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I Never read the Terms of Service but click the box anyway .

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Go to bed at 9 am and then regret whole day is wasted

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I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

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Whenever you shave, you make sure you cut both ends of your moustache, leaving a small patch in the middle above your lips. Then you pretend to be Hitler ;)

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Pretending you're a badass character from an anime or movie when listening to rock music (or something similar)

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Go to fart while you have the flu, only to find out it wasn't a fart at all....

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i try to spit onto my line of piss while going to the toilet.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.