i masturbate with my feet

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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....you're high and you think you write complete bullshit?

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Thinking about what is nothing and other deep shit when trying to fall asleep.

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Nodding while talking on the phone then remembering the person can't see you

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I only EVER take my watch off if I need tto put on big gloves, like cricket gloves.

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Never step on manholes, because I'm afraid to fall in.

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Make sudden movements in the mirror to try and catch out my reflection.

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Getting secretly pissed off when people don't like your birthday post on their Facebook wall.

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pull out a flies wings and let it go

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Imagine flying things and epic battles when listening to music.

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When I have my headphones in, and I'm miming the words to a song in the bathroom pretending that I'm playing a gig. I put the tap on to make sure no one hears me dancing.

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brush the dandruff from my eyebrows

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hover over public toilets and end up leaving a sprinkling of pee that lands uniformly all over on the seat then use a big wad of TP and my foot to wipe down the seat.

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It takes me a whole afternoon to write an important/professional email cause i keep thinking about what I should and should not write and it gets so stupidly difficult I take one hour breaks between every sentence.

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When I dont feel like sweeping I sweep the stuff under the fridge or something

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I wonder if elections are rigged?

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Manage to be more AWESOME! THAN YOU IN EVERY SINGLE WAY! YES YOU! YOU DONT HIDE FROM ME! YEAH CHANGE THE PAGE LIKE THE PUSSY YOU ARE, COME OVER HERE INTO THE SCREEN (NOT HOME IM NAKED AND NOT IN THE MOOD FOR RAPING NOW SO YEAH ANYWAY) MORAL; THE ORIGINAL NOT THE CULT MORAL CODE FUCK ASSHOLE OKAY? DO I SEEM LIKE I WANT A CULT? OR THAT I JUST WANT TO CHAINSAW THE HEAD OF YOUR DOG AND PACK IT IN A NICE GIFT BOX FOR YOU? HUUUUUH!?

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getting excited when you find a recycled tissue in your robe/sweatshirt so you don't know have to get up to get one yourself?

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I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

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rub your face on your legs after shaving to feel how smooth they are.

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I HATE minecraft gift codes and the morons who post about them. I wish those morons would get off my planet.

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while you put your t-shirt on, you get frightened that someone's watching you behind your shirt so you try to put it on as soon as possible.

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only drink milk from a freshly opened carton

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.