I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

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Sometimes I feel that my reflection in the mirror will stop doing what I'm doing and either jump out and grab me, start telling me about her reflected life, or give me a mission to free her from her mirror life.

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While at the movies, grab and eat your popcorn with your tongue and pretend you are a lizard.

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When you are outside, you see a small shadow moving across the ground. You think it's a ball someone threw, so you look up to catch it, only to realize it is a bird.

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looking at the last page of thingsyouthinkonlyyoudo.com to see how weird some people are...

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That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

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When I Download A Song Or Movie And The Download Speed Slows Down I Think The FBI Is Tracking Me.

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Sometimes I get annoyed when I realize none of my friends ever eat vegetables or drink anything but sugary soda`s and are somehow as healthy, sometimes even healthier than me.

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Go to bed with my left nostril clogged, wake up with my right nostril clogged.

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I pretend I'm a really popular YouTuber and talk to nobody thinking they're my subscribers.

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Wake up after a dream. About a day later you think about if it was real or not.

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When I'm laying in bed in the dark and I close my eyes for a while then when I open them again I quickly scan for a light source just to make sure I can still see.

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I probably am the only one who does this but I climb on my cat's cat tree to see what it's like to be a cat o.o

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Whenever someone enters a pin number I always try to see how many number I can remember

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I can only play a piano with my right hand

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Skip the first 3 minutes of "Free Bird" because it's too slow.

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Use the toilet shower to wipe your a**, but denies the fact until death for your friends.

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While playing a video game, narrate it explicitly in your head, e.i., stringing together absurd amounts of obscenities and scream them telepathically at your foes.

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Sometimes when I kill a bug, i wrap it up in a giant wad of paper towels, put it in a plastic sandwich bag, THEN throw it away. just in case...

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Picking my nose.

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Scratch inside my ear, then lick the finger I used.

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Everytime aplane is flying low you think it's going to crash right in front of your eyes

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Whenever you shave, you make sure you cut both ends of your moustache, leaving a small patch in the middle above your lips. Then you pretend to be Hitler ;)

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.