Picking your dogs booger for him/her

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Sometimes I reflect on my life and just feel humiliated.

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Walking around on the streets wondering if you are really walking in place, and the earth is spinning according to how you walk, like a treadmill.

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the power to regenerate your appendix

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Stop singing about weed when you see a cop car.

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Manage to be more AWESOME! THAN YOU IN EVERY SINGLE WAY! YES YOU! YOU DONT HIDE FROM ME! YEAH CHANGE THE PAGE LIKE THE PUSSY YOU ARE, COME OVER HERE INTO THE SCREEN (NOT HOME IM NAKED AND NOT IN THE MOOD FOR RAPING NOW SO YEAH ANYWAY) MORAL; THE ORIGINAL NOT THE CULT MORAL CODE FUCK ASSHOLE OKAY? DO I SEEM LIKE I WANT A CULT? OR THAT I JUST WANT TO CHAINSAW THE HEAD OF YOUR DOG AND PACK IT IN A NICE GIFT BOX FOR YOU? HUUUUUH!?

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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I make sims of everyone I know and make them have kids together.

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Try to figure out if some of the posts were written by the same person.

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When A situation Doesn't go how I wanted it to go, It annoys me so much I sometimes shit in my hands and clap.

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Whenever on a car ride, pretend you are in a military convoy and shoot at pursuing helicopters and soldiers.

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I use the internet to validate that weirdness is not actually weird at all.

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i talk to myself in the mirror just to see how i look when im talking to somebody else, i even practice faces and my laugh (i should get a life)

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Looking at something suggestive on your computer and worrying that someone else in your family can see what you're doing on their computer.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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eat cake in a bowl with milk the way you would eat a bowl of cereal

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Instead of reading the sunday comics, I read the nutrition facts on the cereal box.

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I'm a guy and I like to wear swimwear as underwear

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I think Frozen is an overrated film

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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recycle the peanuts in my poop to make organic peanut butter

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when passing someone in a car beside you, you try to wonder where they are going just by looking at them, their clothes or their expressions

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Have one of those days where you think it is just a dream but then reality takes over

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not eating the ends of a hotdog.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.