At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a hardon and make people think it's that big all time.

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I talk through my teeth when i am talking to my pets.

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Read the time on your watch, then after a few minutes, read it again because you forgot it.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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k. everyone

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I have memorized my drivers license registration number

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When I'm listening to a sad song that relates to my life while I'm walking all alone, I mouth the words and pretend I'm in a music video.

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Mostly make fun of my best friends but never make fun of just regular friends

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Check every spoon fork and knife in the silverware drawer for spots or old food before you choose which one to eat with

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When I see a pregnant woman I can't help but think "she had sex"

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Start walking down a busy street or mall, and realise I've gone the wrong way. Suddenly stop and pretend to read something on my phone for a few seconds before turning round and walking the right way.

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When I post a picture on a Horsehead Huffer site that I made on Microsoft Paint, and it ends up being one of those that never load, I go back on Paint and save it again. Then I repost it, and it works.

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I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

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What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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When someone enters the room while i'm playing a game, start playing the best song of the game soundtrack so they notice it and think the game has a cool soundtrack.

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Whenever I think of something creative or weird, I always wonder if someone thought of the same thing.

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that time where you open the fridge door and stare at it for like 10 min then close it and walk away?

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Sometimes I wonder why I smell even though I remember putting DO on. I become embarrassed because there is a girl next to me. I hope she cannot smell it. Finally I realize its not me. It's her.

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Pretending I'm on my cellphone in public.

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i try to spit onto my line of piss while going to the toilet.

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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Scroll aimlessly through the posts on this website and for some reason, creepily stop and check the comments on the one that has the word "boobs" in it.

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(Men) When you have to poop and pee at the same time, you stand to pee, and THEN sit to poop. Just out of principle.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.