I rehearse arguments in my head.

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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Pick your butt and then wipe your hand/fingers somewhere hoping that the smell dosn't stick to you and that no one smells it....

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I waTch 2 GIRLS AND 1 CUP AND I FAPPED THOSE BITCHES MANY TIMES! HELL YEA! /M\

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When im alone i rub myself in vasaline and pretend that im a slug on the kitchen floor.

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When I watch porn, I only watch like the first 5-10 minutes of it. To be honest I wonder why people bother making them longer too.

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Scratch inside my ear, then lick the finger I used.

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IM 13 years old when i touch something i have a feeling and wont let me do anything until i touch it again or 4 times or sometimes even 16 times i cant live like this its weird!!!!

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click your pen off of your desk and make it hop in the air

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When someone wants to kill a bug, I'll get insane and catch the bug, then run out and release the bug while saying "NOW YOU'RE FREE!!!!!"

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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Pretend my ski pole is a gun while I'm on the chair lift. Or just any object around when I'm not skiing.

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My brother (who is 2 years younger) and I have our own language, consisting of movie quotes and silly stuff we made up when we were little. We speak it with abandon when we're alone, and try as hard as we can to suppress it when we're with a friend. But sometimes some of it slips out, and the friend looks at us like he's the guy who isn't in on the joke; I always get the feeling he or she thinks the two of us are crazy. By the way, if you're the third person in company with two close siblings who are speaking their own secret language, don't ask them to explain or look at them like they're crazy. They're not nuts, and you won't understand, even if they try to explain. Just let it pass.

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Constantly refresh your email page even though you know nothing will appear.

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Invented a special password for yourself in order to recognize yourself if travel through time.

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If I'm at work and have to poop, when I get in the stall I look under the opening at the bottom for any other feet in the other stalls to make sure I am alone. I always think what if when I do that someone else does it at the same time.

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When you see someone you know in a shopping centre and you pretend that you didnt see them at all because you cant be bothered striking up a conversation.

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Sometimes I get annoyed when I realize none of my friends ever eat vegetables or drink anything but sugary soda`s and are somehow as healthy, sometimes even healthier than me.

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That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

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Having the TV turned on when using my laptop or else the silence will make me feel like someone is in my house trying to kill me.

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When sitting or laying down, tell yourself to get up in your head but see how long your body can resist your commands, and end up yelling at yourself to move in your head while still sitting/laying down.

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Waiting alone inside a public toilet for someone to come in and open the door.... so you don't have to touch the handle!

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I have dreams that I am really rich and wake up to be thankful for my life just the way it is

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I am a masculine guy but in private I listen to very sensitive songs. ie: careless wispers

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.