Open the microwave door exactly when your food ends.

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I sleep naked cauz It's dead sexy.

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When you cringe as you walk out of a store because you're paranoid the door will beep...

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When eating chips I always look at each side before eating it to choose which side will taste better

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Getting secretly pissed off when people don't like your birthday post on their Facebook wall.

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Back away as much as I can from airplane toilets before flushing them because the noise scares me

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Cough, whistle or hum while on the toilet for a time, just so anyone outside the door doesn't think I'm mastrubating.

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I have dreams that I am really rich and wake up to be thankful for my life just the way it is

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When my girlfriend ask me what I am thinking about, I tell her I am thinking of all the great things about my last girlfriend.

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pull out a flies wings and let it go

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Whenever i do something bad to someone I can't stop smiling even though i never wanted to smile in the first place and i feel like people think I'm a terrible person

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try to get abs by doing the stupidest things

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When receiving instructions from people one on one, whether it's a man or a woman, I wonder what they would do if I kissed them while they are talking.

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Look at the least popular comments just out of interest

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I don't like to meet people when I'm well dressed because that's not me all of the time.

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I have an imaginary therapist. I talk to him in my head and he actually gives me really good answers.

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I think some songs would be better if they didn't put a rap in with them

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Whenever I drop food on the floor I get my dog to come clean it for me

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I never feel bored

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Make sure I put the deodorant top back on the correct way -- you know, so the sticker is to the front.

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Listening to romantic hollywood sad core and feeling depressed because your single.

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Covering the movement sensors with toilet paper on public toilets incase it's a secret camera.

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Walking around on the streets wondering if you are really walking in place, and the earth is spinning according to how you walk, like a treadmill.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.