I no longer trust any of my local news because they appear to have an agenda

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Whilst passing a mega dump or room clearer as my brother calls them I come up with songs...sometimes in spanish

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imagine a bunch of girls are watching you at home, so you don't look like a dumbass

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I love the tingly feeling you get when youve shifted after realizing you arm, leg, hand, etc. has gone numb. am i the only one?

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Dad, what's that dark place over there? That's Chorley son, you must never go there.

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YEET! TURN UP! KEEP IT ONEHUNNIT DADDY!! YAS GAGA YASS!! SIGN ME UP FOR THAT!! PU$$Y ON FLEEK!! PULLOUT GAME STRONG! LARRY IS REAL!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH!! IMMA REAL G! HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!! I SAID HA! BITCH WHERE??? GIVE ME SOME ASS!! WHAT ARE THOOOSE!!! WHERE THEY AT THO?! BITCH BETTA HAVE MUH MONEY! FCK HER RIGHT IN THE PSSY! EAT THAT BOOTY LIKE GROCERIES!!!!! SURFBOARD! IM NOT GAY NO MORE! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES?!! QUEEN! SLAY!

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eating a sandwich with strategically placed bites such that i get the same ratio of crust to tastier non-crust sandwich center in each bite. sometimes i just take two smaller bites of crust and center part so that i don't have to taste mostly bread crust in a mouthful.

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Doing a little dance after having sex because your so proud you're a FATHER!!! - Uncle Jerrett

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Leave coins on the floor in the corner when I have a party to see if there is a petty thief around

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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How is it that celebrities no one likes keep popping up on shows everyone likes

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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I always feel as if someone is always watching me on a screen where ever I am, and every person in the world is also being watched as well

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When I go to use my laptop if my cat is sleeping in my chair I would use it somewhere else and leave her alone.

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I wonder why the word ISLAND has an "S" in it?

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Drop something down the side of the couch, say that you'll get it in a minute and then forget about it

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Spend a ton of time on the way you look and the clothes you choose, then going out in public and imagining you're a celeb.

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when u get something right and do a victory dance and the person to u is just like "da hell?"

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Whe someone buys you a gift and you think they have installed a camera into it or can somehow mentally see you when that gift is near you. Resulting in you acting strange around that it or when you are present in the same room as that gift

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Feels my beard with my tongue.

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Be a loner at school

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get a new *to you* car, and suddenly every other car on the road is the same make/ model..... hey look! an outback!

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While going to sleep, you turn the pillow downside-up several times to find a cooler surface.

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When home alone, I put cans in front of the door so if someone breaks in, I wake up.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.