Whenever I'm outside playing a sport or something I pretend I have a tv show and I'm giving the audience a tutorial on how to do whatever I'm doing.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

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Play call of duty then go around shooting everyone in your mind for the rest of the day

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try to give your friends spirit animals

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Thinking your life is a movie...

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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sometimes when i wipe my nose a booger will get on my hand then ill get to lazy to get it off and wipe it under my chair.

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Go to bed at 9 am and then regret whole day is wasted

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Pretending I'm on my cellphone in public.

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that time where you open the fridge door and stare at it for like 10 min then close it and walk away?

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Thinking you're very popular after you have owned someone at school.

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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Whenever you shave, you make sure you cut both ends of your moustache, leaving a small patch in the middle above your lips. Then you pretend to be Hitler ;)

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Pretending you're a badass character from an anime or movie when listening to rock music (or something similar)

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I pee in the sink so i don't have to aim

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You are thinking of really awkward moments that happened earlier in the day so then you subconsciously say a bunch of random things quickly out loud to get the thought of the awkward moment out of your head.

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Sometimes when someone says something to me, I will hear them perfectly clear, but I will instinctively say "what?"

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If im taking a crap in the public washrooms and someone walks in I try to make covering noise as soon as its about to plop.

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Still sitting on the toilet 20 minutes after you're done crapping... you're not alone.. -Professor.

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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accidently sleep on my arm and it falls asleep

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Take your laptop to the toilet with you, as a modern day equivalent of the newspaper.

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Scratch my asshole and always judge it to be okay to continue my day, no matter how bad the smell.

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I take a poop and then stand up to pee because I'm a man

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.