after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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Sometimes I wonder how food tastes when not drowned in ketchup.

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When you have the " If I'm on an elevator and it breaks and is about to crash at the bottom, and I jump up before it does, will I live?" thought.

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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Putting pressure on my closed eyes and seeing fireworks behind my eyelids

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Sometimes I wonder why I smell even though I remember putting DO on. I become embarrassed because there is a girl next to me. I hope she cannot smell it. Finally I realize its not me. It's her.

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I was not born in the country I am living in now

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Sometimes when I'm bored I start shouting things in German.

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When Ive already talked to somebody , I think of things I couldve said to make the converstion better

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If someone high fives me on one hand, I need to high five the other one too, or I feel uneven.

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After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

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Sometimes I feel that my reflection in the mirror will stop doing what I'm doing and either jump out and grab me, start telling me about her reflected life, or give me a mission to free her from her mirror life.

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Constantly hearing your name in public and asking "did you just hear my name?"

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing.

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Being able to think about great ideas for the world, but not being able to get a math problem done.

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Feel bad about hurting someone a long time ago, when I was a child, and wish I could speak to that person and say "I'm sorry." Cringe whenever the thought of the incident rises.

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I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

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When I Download A Song Or Movie And The Download Speed Slows Down I Think The FBI Is Tracking Me.

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That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

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Realized with 7 billion people, there is a chance that someone else on earth is doing exactly the same thing as me at any given time.

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When I am in a bind and I know I need help I just say " I gott this" and things work out

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I put a cigarette lighter in a fireplace, anyone else?

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Sometimes I get annoyed when I realize none of my friends ever eat vegetables or drink anything but sugary soda`s and are somehow as healthy, sometimes even healthier than me.

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I know how to Gleek on command. (Don't know what it is just look it up.)

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.