What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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Watch peoples body language and see if they're on the same pace of thought as i am and then try to speed up my thinking to pretend or act like I am realizing something they are not.

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click your pen off of your desk and make it hop in the air

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Avoid eating at parties to look as though you're not hungry

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Sometimes I wait a long time to pee when I really have to go. It feels good.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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Trying to do things before the microwave beeps .

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When Ive already talked to somebody , I think of things I couldve said to make the converstion better

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I have a phobia of incest

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If someone high fives me on one hand, I need to high five the other one too, or I feel uneven.

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The older I get the more honest I get

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Sometimes I feel that my reflection in the mirror will stop doing what I'm doing and either jump out and grab me, start telling me about her reflected life, or give me a mission to free her from her mirror life.

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eat the muffin bottom because it isn't as good as the top and i want to get it over with

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.don't congratulate someone on facebook until someone other does, because maybe it's a fail.

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Being able to think about great ideas for the world, but not being able to get a math problem done.

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accidently sleep on my arm and it falls asleep

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looking at the last page of thingsyouthinkonlyyoudo.com to see how weird some people are...

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You're taking a poo, and you're bored. You use your thighs as drums to pass the time.

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That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

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When I am in a bind and I know I need help I just say " I gott this" and things work out

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Sniff or tap to a rhythm to some sort of beat I composed in my head...

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When I am bored and home alone, I sometimes try to recreate the most annoying sound in the world from Dumb and Dumber. (P.S. Sorry if this was already submitted, I didn't see it.)

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Have a big twitch, freak out when you are dosing off in class but suddenly wake up.

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When you have a stuffy nose, and you put tissue in one nostril so you can breathe.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.