I feel that there is something sinister going on in government

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I sometimes see or think of words and pronounce them differently. ie. Garbage, gar-bah-ge ("ge" like a vibration sound), Target, tar-jhay

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I have to check my closet for monsters so they don't get me while I sleep

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calling someone and it rings so long you forget who your calling and when they answer you have to look at your caller i.d to remember.

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when being in the bathroom at night, avoid looking in the mirror

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You keep going through pages of "Things You Think Only You Do" clicking the button until you realize that your on like page 50.

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Have a dream about somebody being mean to me. Proceed to be mean to them in real life.

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right before I go to sleep, I think about a certain situation. so I will dream about that

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Have arguments with yourself about what to wear, where you put that other shoe, whether to get out of bed, etc. Just get up! No, you do it! You're the one who set the alarm! Ughhhhh I hate you!!

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Sometimes I make awkward eye contact with strangers. And I quickly look away. And then I look back. And then look away again. And I keep being compelled to stare awkwardly at the random stranger for no reason.

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I hate being called "buddy".

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When I make croissants from the Pillsbury can, I'll take one of the little triangles and eat it, because I like the consistency of dough, and i like the fizzy feeling of the yeast on my tongue.

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have you ever thought of a relative when masturbating?

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if I see submissions above mine get thumbs up but not mine I will put them down

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I randomly highlight stuff when I'm reading something, only to click outside of the text so I can actually read it.

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While watching a movie, I hold my breath whenever there is a scene with the main character underwater just to see how long i would last in that situation.

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try as hard as possible to not use the last of the toilet paper so you don't have to change the roll and inadvertently force someone else to do it.

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I always find myself criticizing some commercials on television like the first time I see them I think nothing of it but the third or fourth time I think hey wait a second...

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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i have conversations in my head about showing someone some music and end up playing specific parts of various songs on my ipod and memorise the timings just in case it does happen

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When a person tells you: Oh you like Lana Del Rey? Me:No,I like the wall

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Pronounce hors d'oeuvres 'whores-dev-ers' thinking I'm so witty.

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Having gay sex

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Sleep in your jeans because you think it feels comfortable in the morning.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.