When I masturbate I trade hands often in fear that my penis may become crooked.

thumb_up thumb_down -140

Instead of reading the sunday comics, I read the nutrition facts on the cereal box.

thumb_up thumb_down -44

Mayada stupid

thumb_up thumb_down +5

How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

thumb_up thumb_down -14

I apologize, when i bump against things.

thumb_up thumb_down -36

I dip my pizza crust in soda

thumb_up thumb_down +133

Think you looked good the whole day, then come home and realize you were a hot mess and nobody told you

thumb_up thumb_down +98

YEET! TURN UP! KEEP IT ONEHUNNIT DADDY!! YAS GAGA YASS!! SIGN ME UP FOR THAT!! PU$$Y ON FLEEK!! PULLOUT GAME STRONG! LARRY IS REAL!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH!! IMMA REAL G! HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!! I SAID HA! BITCH WHERE??? GIVE ME SOME ASS!! WHAT ARE THOOOSE!!! WHERE THEY AT THO?! BITCH BETTA HAVE MUH MONEY! FCK HER RIGHT IN THE PSSY! EAT THAT BOOTY LIKE GROCERIES!!!!! SURFBOARD! IM NOT GAY NO MORE! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES?!! QUEEN! SLAY!

thumb_up thumb_down -66

Wonder if someone is ever doing the exact same thing you are at the moment.

thumb_up thumb_down +1,390

Hot in bed? Stick one leg out and then wrap it around the top of the duvet

thumb_up thumb_down +48

When I remember something embarrassing I did or even something someone else did, I will yell random words. It started just with gasping but now I have like 5 words that I'll say randomly. It's evolved to include stressful or disturbing thoughts and not just embarrassing things. I have a pretty stressful life so I'm basically continuously making random sounds then looking around terrified that someone's heard.

thumb_up thumb_down -35

Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <<

thumb_up thumb_down -54

after you've been in a fight i usually think up some epic move i could've done instead.

thumb_up thumb_down +64

when someone asks you to not listen to they conversation and your listening to music at the same time, in the same room and when they have that conversation, you pretend to listen to your music.

thumb_up thumb_down +2

When the vacuum cleaner's going, I try to stay as far away from it and block the noise by shutting doors.

thumb_up thumb_down -31

I sit on the toilet and pretend to tell someone about how awesome my life is when it isn't.

thumb_up thumb_down -34

When i am home alone i think there are hidden cameras in my house and wave at objects that might conceal the camers to scare the people looking through them

thumb_up thumb_down +9

Flush the toilet before peeing to see if I can accomplish peeing before the water flushes away. :)

thumb_up thumb_down -43

Wondering where are famous people and what they are doing at this exact moment.

thumb_up thumb_down +139

Love the Twilight books, HATE the movies.

thumb_up thumb_down -35

get some of the lyrics to a song wrong. you know theyre wrong, but continue to sing the wrong words anyway, because the real words just don't seem to fit.

thumb_up thumb_down -20

Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

thumb_up thumb_down +18

Have a sudden urge to say "bomb" at an airport.

thumb_up thumb_down -25

Shudder when someone bites down on icey poll or an ice cube

thumb_up thumb_down -71

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.