pissing really fast to remove shit stains in the toilet

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Before I go to sleep, I imagine what it would be like dating a really hot actor or singer and think of dramatic scenarios that could happen.

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When I aak someone out it takes me 3-6 attempts to get the words out

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When I'm at the checkout and paying with my card, I try to put my PIN in the card machine before the cashier has a chance to tell me to do it.

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I type out something I think is funny, then wonder if people will think I'm weird and erase it.

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Whenever I read a book, in my head it all takes place at my own house, or some other familiar location.

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get so shitfaced you wake up in a closet with piss everywhere

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When I am in a car i always think there is massive swords coming out the edge of the car and make everything the same length up

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Download a new app, and say to myself I'll never stop playing it. Play it for 2 hours and forget about it.

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Not laughing at funny things on T.V. because nobody is around.

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Walking into the little door at the store that people put the carts though.

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Still can't walk on cracks. If I step on the crack with one foot, the other has to as well.

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Think to myself "If I would have stuck to my diet I would be at my goal weight by now"

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When i feel the back of my right hand starting to itch. in a few days, i get some money. When the back of my left hand itches.Some money goes.

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Say what even when u heard someone

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Sometimes when you are looking down at a book or something you look up because you think you saw a person. Nope it was a tall lamp with a coat hung on it. Find youself periodically looking up every 5 minutes to make sure.

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clean specks of sh*t in the toilet by peeing on it.

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jack off

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hearing the opening theme music to Disney or 20th Century Fox or whatever and knowing what it is before you see the screen, then wondering if you should feel proud or if your a weird geek.

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When I see something on facebook i dont like, I like it just so i can unlike it.

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Shake my hands frantically back and forth when watching the microwave count down or the printer print, as if it will make them go faster.

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I take pains to be Anti-Democrat and Anti-Republican. Because both parties are really gross money & career machines beholden to industry. I really am middle-of-the-road on lots of issues. even though I don't understand what the fuck makes an intelligent conservative tick. but I may just be biased because it's all neo-cons on the news. idk.

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Wish that Mexicans would go ruin their own country instead of ruin ours.

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When I let water out the bath I swish the water so it makes a little whirlpool

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.