I was not born in the country I am living in now

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Laying in bed at a friends place with your eyes closed imaging where you would end up if you got up and went to the toilet as if it was your own house.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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Run faster down hotel corridors.

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Write something down here so that it seems like you think its normal when your actually really paranoid that its not.

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After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

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Playing a sad song that talks about your current situation and then looking in the mirror or out the window pretending you are in a sad music video.

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.don't congratulate someone on facebook until someone other does, because maybe it's a fail.

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Constantly hearing your name in public and asking "did you just hear my name?"

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Analyzing what could be wrong or false about your religion and God, then shooing the thoughts away in fear you won't get into Heaven.

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sometimes i feel like the person i look at in the mirror is not my own reflection

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I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

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have fake conversations that might happen in the future...so ur prepared

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I never take drinks into smelly places, out of fear that the smell will somehow get into my drink and contaminate the taste.

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Sometimes I imagine that I am in a coma and all of the things of this world are not real. Then when I wake up from the coma I will be the best inventor of all time.

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Scratch my asshole and always judge it to be okay to continue my day, no matter how bad the smell.

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I love touching, squeezing and occasionally biting my dog's (read: any dog's) muzzle. I love the texture and the gummy-ness. I also love how pissed he gets when I do it and sneezes after.

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i feel all weird and sad when i thing about my old belongings.

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A lot of times I believe things I see or things that happen are "signs" of something.

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right click refresh on desktop. Repeat

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When I get in the car I look in the backseat for monsters or psychopathic killers and as I am turning to check I say out loud 'Oh, maybe my book is in the backseat, let me check' so the monster or killer doesn't know I'm really looking back there for them. That way they might not kill me.

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Put the towel near the shower so that you can stand on it and not get the floor wet

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cover myself in vaseline and roll around on the floor pretending im a slug

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Poking my self under the covers just to not falleth asleepeth (t -_-)zzzzzz

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.