browse the internet at school and look at shit brix and the dog with the jesus butthole appears and the teacher saw and said what are you looking at? i was banned for the rest of the term. jesse footter

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When walking around a slightly empty store, I walk around and pretend I'm a spy, trying not to be seen.

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I'm a guy and I like to wear swimwear as underwear

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put wood glue on my hand, blow it dry and peel it off to make fake skin

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I'm in the middle of a good dream but I wake up and try to go back to sleep to finish it when it never happens.

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I take a dump and then look to see how big it is.

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When the vacuum cleaner's going, I try to stay as far away from it and block the noise by shutting doors.

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when u get something right and do a victory dance and the person to u is just like "da hell?"

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Sometimes, when I'm at work, I j3rk 0ff in the bathroom. Please tell me someone else has done this????

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If I'm walking with or behind someone I always match their footsteps

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Sometimes I think my shit smells delicious... and I cant believe I am actually not only typing it here, but "finally" admitting it to myself.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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Feel the bed gets more comfortable the longer you put off getting into bed.

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Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

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Wait until my significant other is in shower and then let loose the longest, loudest fart that's been building in me all night and pray it's muffled by the mattress and the covers.

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I use the internet to validate that weirdness is not actually weird at all.

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I'm ridiculously turned on by the scent nail polish.

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Think what would I be doing if I was someone else

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Start walking down a busy street or mall, and realise I've gone the wrong way. Suddenly stop and pretend to read something on my phone for a few seconds before turning round and walking the right way.

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I have won so many competitions online for things like being the 99, 999th visitor on the site

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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I TALK WITH PEDOBEAR ABOUT OUR BUSINESS ;)

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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I have to stop the Microwave on 0 but before it beeps or I'm not going to get what I want in life. OCD MUCH

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.