When im alone in my car i talk to myself about lifes issues

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I put a cigarette lighter in a fireplace, anyone else?

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I think any disasterous accidents will not happen to me.

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I take a dump and then look to see how big it is.

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I don't like to meet people when I'm well dressed because that's not me all of the time.

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I try to not step on the lines on the sidewalk

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Poking my self under the covers just to not falleth asleepeth (t -_-)zzzzzz

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Hthe temptation to go up on the roof but when u get to where u go out get freaked and run away

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You try to tell a joke to impress everyone and then you mess it up.

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Sometimes, when I'm at work, I j3rk 0ff in the bathroom. Please tell me someone else has done this????

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Scratching with the wife's/girlfriends hair brush.

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Set multiple alarms to wake me up in the morning so I dont just turn it off and fall back asleep

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Sleep in your jeans because you think it feels comfortable in the morning.

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Feeling sorry for inanimate objects

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Change the channel when a Progressive commercial comes on because I can't STAND that stupid Flo girl.

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Unable to be near my cat without petting her or talking to her.

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Sometimes when I look at a clock the seconds hand ticks backwards

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only read the short jokes on this website

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sitting in the passenger seat of the car, move my head around gently to guide a piece of dirt on the window in the foreground around the obstacle course of trees, streetlights etc in the background. Also, imagine my eyes are projecting lasers which cut through anything and carve the passing world up to my design.

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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I often try to visualise and merge my faces with various girls i could potentially fall for, just to assess how our future children would look like.

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Eat everything inside my burgers first then i eat the buns.

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I just saw the D in Disney for the first time ever. My brain always saw a backwards G. I knew it was supposed to be a D, I just never bothered to fix it. There has been a G there my whole life.

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listen to madonnas new album

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.