Wait until my significant other is in shower and then let loose the longest, loudest fart that's been building in me all night and pray it's muffled by the mattress and the covers.

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I like making subliminal messages (givemeyourmoney)

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i pull for the chicken when peter and the chicken fight on family guy cause peter is a jackhole

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I sometimes start thinking about very non sexual things in the middle of masturbation, like what I'm going to wear the next day.

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Eat the last bowl of ice cream. Then 6 hours later, you wish you hadn't. (sometimes even open the fridge and check whether you actually ate it or not)

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I flush the toilet if the water's green and I'm going to have a poo, so it doesn't splash me.

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when i talk to someone, and the one where i am talking with is saying a sentence very fast, am going to repeat the whole sentence in my head and then it sounds really weird.

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Sometimes when I look at a clock the seconds hand ticks backwards

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Instead of reading the sunday comics, I read the nutrition facts on the cereal box.

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Counting down on a digital clock, trying to say "0" just as the time changes.

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Sometimes I think my shit smells delicious... and I cant believe I am actually not only typing it here, but "finally" admitting it to myself.

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see a old couple in the street and think," i wonder if he still bangs her" lol

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blink

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Wonder who decide what news stories we see and don't see?

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I giggle in my head when anyone says duty.

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I have an irrational fear of automatic flushing toilets.

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i get an headache when i each cheese. but i don't get one when i have pizza or cheese and onion crisps

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Whenever I accidentally drop a glass or cup it always bounces the first time but breaks the second

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getting furius wen ppl hav bad speling n grammer

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OMG have you ever realized that one of your eyes is showing everything more reddish and the other one showing everything more bluish just like these old 3d glasses

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when you pick up something you think is going to be heavy and its like you suddenly have super strength

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Use the letters on my phone to make words to help me remember important numbers

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Check every spoon fork and knife in the silverware drawer for spots or old food before you choose which one to eat with

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Imagin what would happen if there was a zombie invasion just at your house.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.