Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Unable to be near my cat without petting her or talking to her.

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Sometimes there is a hair in my butt and then I pull it slowly out. And it feels funny.

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When someone enters the room while i'm playing a game, start playing the best song of the game soundtrack so they notice it and think the game has a cool soundtrack.

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When theres a sex scene in the movie I like to jack off to see if I would last as long as the man -deadpool (yogurt)

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I tilt my head back and eat grapes pretending like im a greek god

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I get mad at women because they menstruate and that's gross. I don't judge one woman individually for it, but I'm disgusted with the whole gender, which leads to being almost disgusted with myself for being attracted to them.

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When I'm reading a book and I come to a word that is long or difficult to pronounce every time I come to that word again I pronounce it 'manamanam'.

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I thought I was disgusting until I read the top voted things here. Floral: Actually pretty neat.

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Play call of duty then go around shooting everyone in your mind for the rest of the day

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At restaurants, eat my food in sections. Usually leafy greens, french fries, then steak/ whatever meat.

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I have a phobia of incest

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I like to lather my entire body with Nutella and put paper in my hands and stand there acting like a tree.

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get annoyed when people talk on the phone really loudly in front of the TV, forcing you to mute your show, resulting in you missing half of what the people are saying.

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I can understand (insert language) but for the life of me I can't speak it.

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When peeing at a urinal, move my stream back and forth the coat as much of the wall as I can.

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Feel bad about hurting someone a long time ago, when I was a child, and wish I could speak to that person and say "I'm sorry." Cringe whenever the thought of the incident rises.

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Wave my hand at automatic doors just as they open pretending that I have Jedi powers

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I hit the frig after sex

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sometimes i wonder how it would be to think in another language and i try but cant

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Sniff or tap to a rhythm to some sort of beat I composed in my head...

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When you think about your life then think your parents had to have sex to make you. Then start thinking about all the gross old teachers you've had that probably had sex. Then when you get older your parents tell you about all the times they had sex when you were in the house.

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i talk to myself in the mirror just to see how i look when im talking to somebody else, i even practice faces and my laugh (i should get a life)

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I wonder what a baby is laughing about when they are apparently being entertained by something in the room I can't see

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.