I don't cut a conversation on the phone short just because I have to use the "facilities". I've mastered the art of being as far away from the toilet while flushing and sprinting out of the bathroom.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

when you pick up something you think is going to be heavy and its like you suddenly have super strength

thumb_up thumb_down -53

Think that everything you do is life is being recorded by secret cameras and you're on a reality show. But you don't actually know. The Truman Show. -Robert

thumb_up thumb_down -54

When I aak someone out it takes me 3-6 attempts to get the words out

thumb_up thumb_down -152

I pee in the water of the toilet to make bubbles

thumb_up thumb_down -21

when your professor describes their wife or husband you imagine their wife or husband.

thumb_up thumb_down -23

I piss in the bed every night

thumb_up thumb_down +6

If I have a top comment and I see someone else does, I upvote both of ours; friendly competition.

thumb_up thumb_down -26

Courtesy flush.

thumb_up thumb_down -47

Fantasize about being with somebody else when I have sex

thumb_up thumb_down -103

Hold my pen or pencil with two fingers cued against my palm and two fingers sliding up the pen with my thumb in between them.

thumb_up thumb_down -42

if someone i like or want to impress is around i change the song I'm listening to to something that i know they like or something not embarrassing, just in case they ask me what i'm listening to.

thumb_up thumb_down -45

When I'm walking on the sidewalk, I try to count and keep a steady rate of how many times I step on each slab of concrete.

thumb_up thumb_down -39

Still sitting on the toilet 20 minutes after you're done crapping... you're not alone.. -Professor.

thumb_up thumb_down +33

Get worried i'll sleeptalk about the things I'm thinking about and someone will hear, so stop thinking about my deep and personal thoughts i think about before going to bed.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

When i want to write a joke on anti jokes.com i laugh at my friends instead!

thumb_up thumb_down -76

Bathroom occupied, piss in the kitchen sink.

thumb_up thumb_down +12

put a load of loo roll in the loo before taking a dump at work so it silences the landing.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Sweep up the dirt into the dustpan and sweep the stuff you can't get under the cabinet.

thumb_up thumb_down -17

Sneeze for a few minutes when I've eaten too much.

thumb_up thumb_down -47

Search up google on bing or yahoo because i feel that google is so much better

thumb_up thumb_down -70

I play video games with the controller under the covers.

thumb_up thumb_down -34

I love the We'll Be Right Back jingle on the Eric Andre show.

thumb_up thumb_down -30

losing something in the house, looking for it and then for some reason if I can't find it, I look in all the same places again

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.