What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

thumb_up thumb_down -74

brush the dandruff from my eyebrows

thumb_up thumb_down -5

When I’ve got something cooking in the microwave, before actually looking to see how much time is left, I try to guess how much time is left; if I’m correct within 3 seconds on the timer, I actually feel a measure of accomplishment.

thumb_up thumb_down -18

I used to be the third most useless invention in the world, and now I am so sad, I mean I lost to a square wheel! Moral: On the bright side, ill never be as useless as Rustin Beaver.

thumb_up thumb_down -81

Imagine I'm being filmed in a reality TV show just so I could do something productive or interesting.

thumb_up thumb_down -24

after brushing my teeth I chew on the granules that are on my teeth

thumb_up thumb_down -24

I push the door open with my stomach

thumb_up thumb_down -8

I meow when my cat meows.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Doing something private and think "What if my mom/dad/boss etc. saw me now?"

thumb_up thumb_down -19

Saying an awkward word enough times so that it doesn't sound like a real word anymore

thumb_up thumb_down -43

mindlessly touch my laptop or desktop PC's screen after having just used a tablet.

thumb_up thumb_down -21

Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

thumb_up thumb_down -13

Sometimes when walking, accidently fart and then try to squeak my to sound like my shoes squeaked instead of me farting.

thumb_up thumb_down -52

I make a mental note NOT to buy the product or service if I feel they are trying to brainwash me with their ads.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

coughing when your having a poo so people know that your on the loo

thumb_up thumb_down -28

Putting pressure on my closed eyes and seeing fireworks behind my eyelids

thumb_up thumb_down -76

Picking my nose.

thumb_up thumb_down -58

go to the bathroom, turn on the hot water, get undressed so that the water has time to heat up

thumb_up thumb_down +43

While playing a video game, narrate it explicitly in your head, e.i., stringing together absurd amounts of obscenities and scream them telepathically at your foes.

thumb_up thumb_down -45

When i'm in the front passenger seat, I still move my foot like im the one driving...

thumb_up thumb_down -14

Sometime if I need to go I would go outside so I don't splash the seat

thumb_up thumb_down -31

Walk down the street, listening to a song, singing it softly, then thinking 'I might wanna stop doing that before I look awkward', but the wires get crossed and you start singing LOUDER and so on.

thumb_up thumb_down -78

Wishing you were living in that time when men were still gentlemen. Holds doors, brings flowers, chooses you over job.

thumb_up thumb_down -43

When i talk i say i like how or i hate that.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.