Sitting down in the shower

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Scratch inside my ear, then lick the finger I used.

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All of my friends go to halloween parties. I still go trick or treating.

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Layer the water in the toilet with toilet paper, so when I poo the water does splash back up and splatter poo and water all over my bum

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When I watch porn, I only watch like the first 5-10 minutes of it. To be honest I wonder why people bother making them longer too.

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When the wind is blowing like crazy, I pretend I am the god who controls it.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

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Reading your facebook posts that you wrote a year ago or more, and think of how stupid you were at that time.

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I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

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Turn volume down on iPod or tv, then turn up one bar to make it seem like it's still loud.

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When you don't have enough money for something, you just take a tiny bit of money from your siblings and parents room at a time so they don't notice any different

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Avoid eating at parties to look as though you're not hungry

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When dunking oreos I like to hold it under the milk and watch the bubbles til they stop

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Trying to do things before the microwave beeps .

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Make up a song to yourself.

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Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

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Run faster down hotel corridors.

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check to see if post has any likes right after posting it. then have second thoughts about it.

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Constantly hearing your name in public and asking "did you just hear my name?"

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When you are outside, you see a small shadow moving across the ground. You think it's a ball someone threw, so you look up to catch it, only to realize it is a bird.

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Feel bad about hurting someone a long time ago, when I was a child, and wish I could speak to that person and say "I'm sorry." Cringe whenever the thought of the incident rises.

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I piss in the bed every night

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.