When something funny happens think of it a couple days later than laugh,everyone then looks at me weirdly.

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I have won so many competitions online for things like being the 99, 999th visitor on the site

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blink

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After masterbating, I wonder if my dead relatives can just see what I did?

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Write b as d and d as b or p as q and q as p. I mostly write b as d and d as b since I've learned the alphabet. Trying not to do that now

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Looking at something suggestive on your computer and worrying that someone else in your family can see what you're doing on their computer.

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Think it's awesome when I look at a clock and it reads the same numbers that my address starts with.

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I got 12 months free xbox live gold from this website http://freexboxlivegoldcodes.org .You can also get it.

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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Pretend you and your classmates are in a Hunger Games scenario.

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You are thinking of really awkward moments that happened earlier in the day so then you subconsciously say a bunch of random things quickly out loud to get the thought of the awkward moment out of your head.

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I use my magic powers to give shaddy politicians their comeuppance (I don't have any magic powers lol)

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When I get "interactive" commercials on my laptop screen, I like to "just shoot 4 out of 5 ducks" and feel like I have cheated the system.

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check to see if post has any likes right after posting it. then have second thoughts about it.

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When your talking to a hot girl and then picture her naked with you in bed but then stop thinking about that because you think she can read your mind

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Hate when people ask "do you have a bathroom?" It's like "no we crap in the yard!"

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When you see someone you know in a shopping centre and you pretend that you didnt see them at all because you cant be bothered striking up a conversation.

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I never take drinks into smelly places, out of fear that the smell will somehow get into my drink and contaminate the taste.

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Wipe the salt off your hand on your right pant leg after eating salty fries from fast food restaurants.

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I take a poop and then stand up to pee because I'm a man

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That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

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When I Download A Song Or Movie And The Download Speed Slows Down I Think The FBI Is Tracking Me.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.