I always get paranoid when I go to take a shit because I leave the computer on and somebody comes in the room where the computer is.

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I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

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Take pieces of loose hair and keep it in a plastic bag in my wallet so if I ever get killed and my ID stolen, my body can still be identified.

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Putting pressure on my closed eyes and seeing fireworks behind my eyelids

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I hate when my mom hangs my underwear on the clothesline outside.

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Imagine a little person trapped and about to be crushed in the progress bar.

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Pretend you are turning Super Saiyan when sat on the toilet

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You see someone do something cool and imagine doing it in front of all your friends

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click your pen off of your desk and make it hop in the air

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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I sleep in my underpants every single night

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When your watching a YouTube video and you have to watch an AD, you mute it and turn your head away because your just that pissed off at the company.

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I put a cigarette lighter in a fireplace, anyone else?

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When someone starts waving and saying hi then I start waving and saying hi even though I have no idea who it is only to realize they are actually waving at someone behind me.

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strawberry flavored hemorrhoid cream

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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Drink out the carton (your whole family prob does it)

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Glance at your friend beside you, smile to yourself, and think, "I could murder them."

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Stab myself on a daily basis

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Make sudden movements in the mirror to try and catch out my reflection.

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Spread my butt so poop comes out easier.

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Chewing your chips softer so you can hear the tv

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fart then blame it on the guy next to me realizing theres no one near me and everyone looks at me....awkward

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Pretend the legs of a chair are the barrels of a mini gun while moving them.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.