I hate it when people assume I'm smart just because I don't speak much and I wear glasses.

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I get mad at women because they menstruate and that's gross. I don't judge one woman individually for it, but I'm disgusted with the whole gender, which leads to being almost disgusted with myself for being attracted to them.

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Love to check my astrological compatibility with my favorite musicians.

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When someone enters the room while i'm playing a game, start playing the best song of the game soundtrack so they notice it and think the game has a cool soundtrack.

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Go to fart while you have the flu, only to find out it wasn't a fart at all....

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When theres a sex scene in the movie I like to jack off to see if I would last as long as the man -deadpool (yogurt)

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....you're high and you think you write complete bullshit?

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Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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worry about getting a little butt sweat mark on a chair if you've been sitting in it too long while its hot.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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I don't like being told what I will do or how I will feel.

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If someone high fives me on one hand, I need to high five the other one too, or I feel uneven.

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Run faster down hotel corridors.

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After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

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Playing a sad song that talks about your current situation and then looking in the mirror or out the window pretending you are in a sad music video.

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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sometimes i feel like the person i look at in the mirror is not my own reflection

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Pretend I'm a back-up dancer or singing a duet with the singer of the song I'm listening to.

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Hate when people ask "do you have a bathroom?" It's like "no we crap in the yard!"

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Leave the fan on at night just in case you feel to warm.

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When I am in a bind and I know I need help I just say " I gott this" and things work out

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When you see someone you know in a shopping centre and you pretend that you didnt see them at all because you cant be bothered striking up a conversation.

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Only one tissue left in the box... I'll just use toilet paper.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.